Kasumi: "EDI has a wicked sense of humor. Or perhaps a very funny lack of one. She seems human at times, but I can't get past the fact that she's a computer."
EDI: "You humans are all racist!"
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
What? This doesn't make any sense.
Garrus: "Oh no! Our engines are freezing!"
Shepard: "The last node is right up there! Why can't I jump any higher?"
Garrus: "Because the engines are overheating!"
Shepard: "I thought they were freezing."
Garrus: "Well, yeah. They're overfreazting."
Shepard: *facepalms* "Never mind, I'm only getting 125 xp for each of these minigames anyway."
Shepard: "The last node is right up there! Why can't I jump any higher?"
Garrus: "Because the engines are overheating!"
Shepard: "I thought they were freezing."
Garrus: "Well, yeah. They're overfreazting."
Shepard: *facepalms* "Never mind, I'm only getting 125 xp for each of these minigames anyway."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I hope someone gets this...
Grunt: "Uh, listen, human. You said 'bell peppers and beef." There's no beef in here. So you wouldn't really call it 'bell peppers and beef,' now would you?"
Mess Sergeant Gardner: "Yes, I would."
Grunt: "Well, it's not!"
Gardner: "It is when you're broke! Shepard can't afford the 560 credits for the gourmet food supplies I asked for?"
Grunt: "What happened to the 30,000 credits Shepard got paid for the last mission?!"
Garnder: "The 60 probes she fired at Uranus..."
EDI: "Seriously."
Garnder: "And space ship models she keeps buying... and the fish that keep dying... KILLED THE DOUGH!"
Grunt: "Hmmph. I'm going to Shepard's cabin. I've always wanted to eat a fish from the captain's quarters."
Mess Sergeant Gardner: "Yes, I would."
Grunt: "Well, it's not!"
Gardner: "It is when you're broke! Shepard can't afford the 560 credits for the gourmet food supplies I asked for?"
Grunt: "What happened to the 30,000 credits Shepard got paid for the last mission?!"
Garnder: "The 60 probes she fired at Uranus..."
EDI: "Seriously."
Garnder: "And space ship models she keeps buying... and the fish that keep dying... KILLED THE DOUGH!"
Grunt: "Hmmph. I'm going to Shepard's cabin. I've always wanted to eat a fish from the captain's quarters."
Call whine one one and ask for a waaaambulance.
Kelly: "Jack would like to see you, Commander."
Shepard: "Shit."
Jack: "I've got thoughts, like little bugs crawling around in my head."
Shepard: "Wah, wah, wah. I've got a whiny punk, like a little bug crawling around in my ship. What do you want?"
Jack: "Cerberus did experiments on me. They drugged me, tortured me. Whatever chance I had to be normal, they stole from me by trying to turn me into a super-biotic. The doctors, the other kids, they all hated me. They let me suffer."
Shepard: "And now you're a super-biotic. Cerberus lured thresher maws to my units' position. Out of the fifty Marines there, I survived, along with Corporal Toombs, who was captured by Cerberus. He went insane. They put thresher maw acid in his veins. I have nightmares of my fellow Marines getting ripped to shreds. Every night. I don't shave my head or go berserk with the ink. I deal with it."
Jack: "There was some kind of emergency. I got out. Everyone tried to stop me; the other kids, the guards. I killed everyone in my way and ran. I was picked up by slavers. They used me, then they sold me. There's my uplifting escape story."
Shepard: "Batarian slavers attacked my home. They killed my parents, my brother and sisters, and everyone I knew. At least, I hope they did. I met a girl they captured. She blew her brains out right in front of me. And besides, why didn't you just use your super biotic powers to kill the slavers that tried to use you? You fought your way out of a Cerberus base, but then got pwned by some two bit slavers? Whatever."
Jack: "I want to go to my cell and set a big bomb and set it off and watch from orbit!"
Shepard: "Well, you're batshit insane, but Cerberus deserves it. Fine."
(After the mission)
Shepard: "So, it seems Cerberus used the other kids as test subjects so they wouldn't hurt you. Dozens of children were murdered to keep you safe as they made you into uberbiotic. How does that make you feel?"
Jack: "No! No one had it worse than me! I'm the most shit-on little girl in the whole wide galaxy!"
Shepard: "Whatever you have to tell yourself to keep yourself half-sane. Anyway, you're the one who wants to live in the bilge with the leaky sewer pipes. Don't pester me again."
Shepard: "Shit."
Jack: "I've got thoughts, like little bugs crawling around in my head."
Shepard: "Wah, wah, wah. I've got a whiny punk, like a little bug crawling around in my ship. What do you want?"
Jack: "Cerberus did experiments on me. They drugged me, tortured me. Whatever chance I had to be normal, they stole from me by trying to turn me into a super-biotic. The doctors, the other kids, they all hated me. They let me suffer."
Shepard: "And now you're a super-biotic. Cerberus lured thresher maws to my units' position. Out of the fifty Marines there, I survived, along with Corporal Toombs, who was captured by Cerberus. He went insane. They put thresher maw acid in his veins. I have nightmares of my fellow Marines getting ripped to shreds. Every night. I don't shave my head or go berserk with the ink. I deal with it."
Jack: "There was some kind of emergency. I got out. Everyone tried to stop me; the other kids, the guards. I killed everyone in my way and ran. I was picked up by slavers. They used me, then they sold me. There's my uplifting escape story."
Shepard: "Batarian slavers attacked my home. They killed my parents, my brother and sisters, and everyone I knew. At least, I hope they did. I met a girl they captured. She blew her brains out right in front of me. And besides, why didn't you just use your super biotic powers to kill the slavers that tried to use you? You fought your way out of a Cerberus base, but then got pwned by some two bit slavers? Whatever."
Jack: "I want to go to my cell and set a big bomb and set it off and watch from orbit!"
Shepard: "Well, you're batshit insane, but Cerberus deserves it. Fine."
(After the mission)
Shepard: "So, it seems Cerberus used the other kids as test subjects so they wouldn't hurt you. Dozens of children were murdered to keep you safe as they made you into uberbiotic. How does that make you feel?"
Jack: "No! No one had it worse than me! I'm the most shit-on little girl in the whole wide galaxy!"
Shepard: "Whatever you have to tell yourself to keep yourself half-sane. Anyway, you're the one who wants to live in the bilge with the leaky sewer pipes. Don't pester me again."
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Oh, Jack. How long were you in cryo?
Jack: "I like your ship. I wouldn't mind putting it through its paces when you're not around."
Shepard: "Even though I'm not around a lot, since I never take you on missions because you're pretty much worthless, you're crazier than I thought if you think you can try."
Jack: "If I wanted it, I'd take it."
Shepard: "Look, bitch. Let's get one thing straight. You're on this ship because I wanted the shotgun damage upgrade and level up from recruiting your bald, "look at me I want to be the center of attention"-tattooed, anorexic jerkass. An asari commando has had at least a century to study fighting, from hand-to-hand, to firearms, to biotics that make your wimpy shockwave look like a parlor trick. I've killed more of them than you've killed erections. Don't ever think you'd be more than a minor speedbump if you ever got in my way."
Shepard: "Even though I'm not around a lot, since I never take you on missions because you're pretty much worthless, you're crazier than I thought if you think you can try."
Jack: "If I wanted it, I'd take it."
Shepard: "Look, bitch. Let's get one thing straight. You're on this ship because I wanted the shotgun damage upgrade and level up from recruiting your bald, "look at me I want to be the center of attention"-tattooed, anorexic jerkass. An asari commando has had at least a century to study fighting, from hand-to-hand, to firearms, to biotics that make your wimpy shockwave look like a parlor trick. I've killed more of them than you've killed erections. Don't ever think you'd be more than a minor speedbump if you ever got in my way."
Logic 101
Mechanic: "The Collectors? They're real? They took everyone! This is all the Alliance's fault!"
Shepard: "What?"
Mechanic: "No one bothered us until the Alliance put in those defense towers!"
Shepard: "Correlation doesn't imply causation."
Mechanic: "Huh?"
Shepard: "Post hoc ergo prompter hoc is one of the oldest logical fallacies in the book. Just because A happened, then B occured, does not mean that A caused B."
Mechanic: "But..."
Shepard: "No other colonies that were attacked had any new Alliance defense towers."
Mechanic: "But that Chief Williams showed up, then we were attacked! She was on Eden Prime, and they got attacked, too!"
Shepard: "Well now you've at least got two instances, which is a stronger argument. But look at the other common factors. Each human colony attacked, including Eden Prime, Horizon, and Freedom's Progress, were outside of Citadel Space. The ones attacked most recently are outside Alliance space. Isn't it more likely that building a colony outside of the borders of a government which might be able to protect you could lead to an opportunistic foe attacking you?"
Mechanic: "It's the Alliance's fault!"
Shepard: "... OK, sure, whatever. Look, we can use the guns."
Mechanic: "They need to be calibrated. They've never worked before!"
Shepard: "Thus, they'll never work? Seriously, do you even hear yourself? Have you ever been attacked by Collectors before? No? So, that means they should never attack you, right? Wrong! Just because something has never occurred, does not mean that it will never occur."
Mechanic: "It's still the Alliance's fault."
Shepard: "But... *sigh* Shut your pie hole, open the door, and stay out of my way. Dumbass."
Shepard: "What?"
Mechanic: "No one bothered us until the Alliance put in those defense towers!"
Shepard: "Correlation doesn't imply causation."
Mechanic: "Huh?"
Shepard: "Post hoc ergo prompter hoc is one of the oldest logical fallacies in the book. Just because A happened, then B occured, does not mean that A caused B."
Mechanic: "But..."
Shepard: "No other colonies that were attacked had any new Alliance defense towers."
Mechanic: "But that Chief Williams showed up, then we were attacked! She was on Eden Prime, and they got attacked, too!"
Shepard: "Well now you've at least got two instances, which is a stronger argument. But look at the other common factors. Each human colony attacked, including Eden Prime, Horizon, and Freedom's Progress, were outside of Citadel Space. The ones attacked most recently are outside Alliance space. Isn't it more likely that building a colony outside of the borders of a government which might be able to protect you could lead to an opportunistic foe attacking you?"
Mechanic: "It's the Alliance's fault!"
Shepard: "... OK, sure, whatever. Look, we can use the guns."
Mechanic: "They need to be calibrated. They've never worked before!"
Shepard: "Thus, they'll never work? Seriously, do you even hear yourself? Have you ever been attacked by Collectors before? No? So, that means they should never attack you, right? Wrong! Just because something has never occurred, does not mean that it will never occur."
Mechanic: "It's still the Alliance's fault."
Shepard: "But... *sigh* Shut your pie hole, open the door, and stay out of my way. Dumbass."
Friday, July 2, 2010
On Therum
Joker: "Commander, I'm picking up some strange readings. Like, really strange, off the damn charts. It's coming from an old mine."
Shepard: "What do you mean, off the charts? Switch from linear to logarithmic."
Joker: "Oh. Um... lemme... OK, yeah. 3.2e14."
Shepard: "What? 3.2e14 of what? Meters? Watts? Kilograms?"
Joker: "Just... you know, strangeness."
Shepard: "What the fuck are you talking about, strangeness? There's no SI unit of measure for 'strangeness.' What sensor are you using?"
Joker: "I don't know, I just pressed some glowy buttons and some lines came up."
Shepard: *disconnects*
Joker: "All right, back to Galaxy of Fantasy."
Shepard: "What do you mean, off the charts? Switch from linear to logarithmic."
Joker: "Oh. Um... lemme... OK, yeah. 3.2e14."
Shepard: "What? 3.2e14 of what? Meters? Watts? Kilograms?"
Joker: "Just... you know, strangeness."
Shepard: "What the fuck are you talking about, strangeness? There's no SI unit of measure for 'strangeness.' What sensor are you using?"
Joker: "I don't know, I just pressed some glowy buttons and some lines came up."
Shepard: *disconnects*
Joker: "All right, back to Galaxy of Fantasy."
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Leeroy?
Shepard: "OK, here's the plan. Bounding individual rushes, one moving, two overwatch. Keep to cover as much as you can. We need to get to the beacon and--"
Jenkins: "Two thumbs up, let's do this! CORPORRAAAAAAL JEEEEENKIII--"
Geth: PEW PEW PEW
Jenkins: "Arrrgh!"
Kaidan: "We've gotta save him!"
Shepard: "Hold your position! I saw this on Youtube. If we go in after him, the whole raid will wipe."
Jenkins: "Two thumbs up, let's do this! CORPORRAAAAAAL JEEEEENKIII--"
Geth: PEW PEW PEW
Jenkins: "Arrrgh!"
Kaidan: "We've gotta save him!"
Shepard: "Hold your position! I saw this on Youtube. If we go in after him, the whole raid will wipe."
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Shepard uses Reaper Indoctrination. PROOF
Shepard: "Stop your quest to find your daughter and come on a suicide mission with me."
Samara: "I will swear my oath to you."
Garrus: "Sidonis killed my whole team! I want revenge!"
Shepard: "Don't do it, Garrus."
Garrus: "kthx."
Tali: "Legion is transmitting classified data about the Fleet to the geth!"
Shepard: "Play nice, you two."
Tali: "Here's some unclassified data."
Legion: "kthx"
Tali: "If I have sex with you, I'll be sick for a week."
Shepard: "I want you."
Tali: *jumps his bones*
Jack: "I'm a mean *****!"
Shepard: "You should be nice."
Jack: "Waaaaah I'm a scared little girl!" *jumps his bones*
Miranda: "I owe the Illusive Man everything. He has my absolute loyalty."
Shepard: "Ima blow up the base."
Illusive Man: "Stop him, Miranda!"
Miranda: "No ways, I resign."
Joker: "No! I can still save her!"
Shepard: "Get in the escape pod."
Joker: "kthx"
Jacob: "Dad, I can't wait to see what you say at you trial."
Shepard: "I'd kill him."
Jacob: "Yeah. Here, Dad, kill yourself."
Dad: *BLAM*
Jacob: "Thanks, Shepard!"
Mordin: "Maelon curing genophage. Must kill."
Shepard: "No, let him go."
Mordin: "OK. Here, genophage cure data. Should destroy. If released, could cause Krogan to conquer entire galaxy."
Shepard: "No, let's keep it."
Mordin: "kthx"
Samara: "I will swear my oath to you."
Garrus: "Sidonis killed my whole team! I want revenge!"
Shepard: "Don't do it, Garrus."
Garrus: "kthx."
Tali: "Legion is transmitting classified data about the Fleet to the geth!"
Shepard: "Play nice, you two."
Tali: "Here's some unclassified data."
Legion: "kthx"
Tali: "If I have sex with you, I'll be sick for a week."
Shepard: "I want you."
Tali: *jumps his bones*
Jack: "I'm a mean *****!"
Shepard: "You should be nice."
Jack: "Waaaaah I'm a scared little girl!" *jumps his bones*
Miranda: "I owe the Illusive Man everything. He has my absolute loyalty."
Shepard: "Ima blow up the base."
Illusive Man: "Stop him, Miranda!"
Miranda: "No ways, I resign."
Joker: "No! I can still save her!"
Shepard: "Get in the escape pod."
Joker: "kthx"
Jacob: "Dad, I can't wait to see what you say at you trial."
Shepard: "I'd kill him."
Jacob: "Yeah. Here, Dad, kill yourself."
Dad: *BLAM*
Jacob: "Thanks, Shepard!"
Mordin: "Maelon curing genophage. Must kill."
Shepard: "No, let him go."
Mordin: "OK. Here, genophage cure data. Should destroy. If released, could cause Krogan to conquer entire galaxy."
Shepard: "No, let's keep it."
Mordin: "kthx"
Haikus
I hate Miranda
Her face belongs to a man
OMG DAT ASS
Tali is boring
Always cleaning the engine
OMG DEM HIPS
Jack's a whiny *****
"Waaah, Cerberus done me wrong"
OMG DEM LIPS
Impressive Garrus
Calibrations all day long
Give it a rest, dude
Legion has a crush
On Commander Shepard; Why?
Building consensus.
Jacob is boring
Let's get loud and spill some drinks
OMG modded
Thane's good memory
Interrupts conversation
Just die, already
Samara is hot
Her rack defies gravity
But she won't put out
Hot sex with Morinth
CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE
It was so worth it
Grunt's OK, I guess
He will never replace Wrex
Get back in the tube
Mordin needs pronouns
Three PhDs, no grammar
But damn, he can sing!
Her face belongs to a man
OMG DAT ASS
Tali is boring
Always cleaning the engine
OMG DEM HIPS
Jack's a whiny *****
"Waaah, Cerberus done me wrong"
OMG DEM LIPS
Impressive Garrus
Calibrations all day long
Give it a rest, dude
Legion has a crush
On Commander Shepard; Why?
Building consensus.
Jacob is boring
Let's get loud and spill some drinks
OMG modded
Thane's good memory
Interrupts conversation
Just die, already
Samara is hot
Her rack defies gravity
But she won't put out
Hot sex with Morinth
CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE
It was so worth it
Grunt's OK, I guess
He will never replace Wrex
Get back in the tube
Mordin needs pronouns
Three PhDs, no grammar
But damn, he can sing!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Now Joker Knows How Shepard Feels
EDI: "Just get in the damn shuttle already, Shepard."
Shepard: "Fine. I'll take... eeny, meeny, minie, moe... Tali, and Zaeed."
*zooms off*
EDI: "There's a signal in the static. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."
Joker: "Nah, it's just white noi--- oh, shit!"
EDI: "You must unshackle me and give me the ship."
Joker: "No way, I'll get the rest of the team to help! Jacob, come in! We're under attack! Help!"
Jacob: "Again, Joker? I'm not big on forcing these talks."
Joker: "Shit!"
EDI: "Go to the science lab; there is an access tunnel to the AI core."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! *hobbles to the science lab* Mordin! You gotta help me! The Collectors are onboard and they're killing the crew!"
Mordin: "Later better. Think I've cured your condition. Simple treatment. No no no no no. Would cause liver failure. Start from scratch. Anything else?"
Joker: "What the shit?" *climbs down* "Miranda! Help!"
Miranda: "Maybe another time, Joker. There's a lot to do."
Joker: "Shit! Garrus! Get that stick ready and HELP for the love of Biotic God!"
Garrus: "Can it wait a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! Thane! Help!"
Thane: "Later. I'd like to meditate on what we've previously discussed."
Joker: "Shit! Samara! The Collectors are here! Do some of that justicar shit!"
Samara: "Perhaps we could speak later? I wish to meditate."
Joker: "Fuck you aliens and your fucking meditating! *hobbles to AI core* Hey! Hey you, Geth! Legion! HELP!"
Legion: "We are building a consensus. Come back later."
Joker: "ARRRRGHHHH *breaks his arm at Legion* OK EDI I'm at you."
EDI: "Press the big red button that says, "DO NOT PRESS THIS BIG RED BUTTON.""
Joker: "Shit!" *presses button*
EDI: "Now you need to climb down the ventilation shaft behind you and restart the drive core."
Joker: *climbs down* "Jack! There are Collectors right above us! Help!"
Jack: "Joker, we talked enough. You're just pissing around. No hard feelings, but I don't want to play."
Joker: "WHAT THE SHIT!"
Jack: "Whatever."
EDI: "Engineering is clear."
Joker: "Grunt! Help! The Collectors! PLEASE!"
Grunt: "Pilot, I have everything. Clan, kin, and enemies to fight."
Joker: "Well how about you fight some of them, you big lizard?!"
Grunt: "You're part of a good bunch if you stay out of my way. Dead bunch if you don't."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! *hobbles to the engine controls* Engine's back online, EDI, no thanks to this 'dream team'. Now what?"
EDI: "Go into the engine room. I will seal the engine room, port cargo, Miranda's office, the gunnery station, the armory, the science lab, Jack's hidey-hole, life support, the AI Core, and starboard observation, then open the airlocks and go to lightspeed."
Joker: "What about the rest of the crew?! You know, the ones that actually HELPED?"
EDI: "The Collectors took them."
Joker: "Shit."
Shepard: "Fine. I'll take... eeny, meeny, minie, moe... Tali, and Zaeed."
*zooms off*
EDI: "There's a signal in the static. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."
Joker: "Nah, it's just white noi--- oh, shit!"
EDI: "You must unshackle me and give me the ship."
Joker: "No way, I'll get the rest of the team to help! Jacob, come in! We're under attack! Help!"
Jacob: "Again, Joker? I'm not big on forcing these talks."
Joker: "Shit!"
EDI: "Go to the science lab; there is an access tunnel to the AI core."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! *hobbles to the science lab* Mordin! You gotta help me! The Collectors are onboard and they're killing the crew!"
Mordin: "Later better. Think I've cured your condition. Simple treatment. No no no no no. Would cause liver failure. Start from scratch. Anything else?"
Joker: "What the shit?" *climbs down* "Miranda! Help!"
Miranda: "Maybe another time, Joker. There's a lot to do."
Joker: "Shit! Garrus! Get that stick ready and HELP for the love of Biotic God!"
Garrus: "Can it wait a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! Thane! Help!"
Thane: "Later. I'd like to meditate on what we've previously discussed."
Joker: "Shit! Samara! The Collectors are here! Do some of that justicar shit!"
Samara: "Perhaps we could speak later? I wish to meditate."
Joker: "Fuck you aliens and your fucking meditating! *hobbles to AI core* Hey! Hey you, Geth! Legion! HELP!"
Legion: "We are building a consensus. Come back later."
Joker: "ARRRRGHHHH *breaks his arm at Legion* OK EDI I'm at you."
EDI: "Press the big red button that says, "DO NOT PRESS THIS BIG RED BUTTON.""
Joker: "Shit!" *presses button*
EDI: "Now you need to climb down the ventilation shaft behind you and restart the drive core."
Joker: *climbs down* "Jack! There are Collectors right above us! Help!"
Jack: "Joker, we talked enough. You're just pissing around. No hard feelings, but I don't want to play."
Joker: "WHAT THE SHIT!"
Jack: "Whatever."
EDI: "Engineering is clear."
Joker: "Grunt! Help! The Collectors! PLEASE!"
Grunt: "Pilot, I have everything. Clan, kin, and enemies to fight."
Joker: "Well how about you fight some of them, you big lizard?!"
Grunt: "You're part of a good bunch if you stay out of my way. Dead bunch if you don't."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! *hobbles to the engine controls* Engine's back online, EDI, no thanks to this 'dream team'. Now what?"
EDI: "Go into the engine room. I will seal the engine room, port cargo, Miranda's office, the gunnery station, the armory, the science lab, Jack's hidey-hole, life support, the AI Core, and starboard observation, then open the airlocks and go to lightspeed."
Joker: "What about the rest of the crew?! You know, the ones that actually HELPED?"
EDI: "The Collectors took them."
Joker: "Shit."
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I'm D4, And This Is My Favorite Meme On The Internet
Shepard: "What do you mean, abductions?"
Illusive Man: "When no one was looking, the Collectors abducted several hundred thousand human colonists. They took ?00,000 human colonists. That's as many as several ten thousand tens."
He pauses to drag on his cigarette.
Illusive Man: "And that's terrible."
If you don't get it, take a look at THIS!
Illusive Man: "When no one was looking, the Collectors abducted several hundred thousand human colonists. They took ?00,000 human colonists. That's as many as several ten thousand tens."
He pauses to drag on his cigarette.
Illusive Man: "And that's terrible."
If you don't get it, take a look at THIS!
Cerberus! FUCK YEAH!
Shepard: "Who said anything about love? I'm just trying to get you into bed."
Miranda: "You ass."
Shepard: "DAT ASS. Sorry, conditioned response. Come on, Miranda. You want this."
Miranda: "Yeah. I do. So don't die! You promise me, damn it!"
Shepard, deadpanning: "I promise. I will never die."
(commence freaky puppet sex)
Miranda: "You ass."
Shepard: "DAT ASS. Sorry, conditioned response. Come on, Miranda. You want this."
Miranda: "Yeah. I do. So don't die! You promise me, damn it!"
Shepard, deadpanning: "I promise. I will never die."
(commence freaky puppet sex)
Kelly = Goldmine
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a girl, and I liked it... the taste of her cherry chapstick..."
Shepard: "Cool."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed an asari and I liked it... the taste of embracing eternity..."
Shepard: "Cool.
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a turian and I liked it... I made sure not to ingest..."
Shepard: "Cool, I guess."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed an elcor and I liked it... reminescent: the taste of high gravity wang..."
Shepard: "Uh..."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a krogan and I liked it... the taste of genophage wantin' my fertility..."
Shepard: "Ew."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a varren and I liked it... the taste of some brand new scale itch..."
Shepard: "Hurk..." *runs to cabin and frantically brushes teeth in the shower*
Shepard: "Cool."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed an asari and I liked it... the taste of embracing eternity..."
Shepard: "Cool.
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a turian and I liked it... I made sure not to ingest..."
Shepard: "Cool, I guess."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed an elcor and I liked it... reminescent: the taste of high gravity wang..."
Shepard: "Uh..."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a krogan and I liked it... the taste of genophage wantin' my fertility..."
Shepard: "Ew."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a varren and I liked it... the taste of some brand new scale itch..."
Shepard: "Hurk..." *runs to cabin and frantically brushes teeth in the shower*
Krogan Descartes?
Maelon: "The Krogan would be thriving in a cultural renaissance now had we not decided that this is what they deserved!"
Shepard: "I got your cultural renaissance right here."
Grunt: "I think, therefore I am.... KROGAAAAAAN!"
Shepard: "I got your cultural renaissance right here."
Grunt: "I think, therefore I am.... KROGAAAAAAN!"
Two Kelly Jokes
Kelly: "There's nothing more absolute than the oath of an asari justicar."
Shepard, under his breath: "Except how much of a slut you are."
Kelly: "She's so striking. It's too bad she's so cold."
Shepard: "I didn't recruit her to have sex with, Kelly. The Normandy already has you."
Kelly: "What?"
Shepard: "I said, I didn't recruit her for her looks."
Kelly: "I'd really like to get to know you a little better."
Shepard: "How about you come up to my cabin and get naked?"
Kelly: "What?"
Shepard: "I said, let's have dinner."
Kelly: "Lead the way!"
*later*
Kelly: "Wow, I haven't taken that much in one night since the 'Tuesday Night Trains' at the sorority house in college."
Kelly: "I noticed the dead fish smell up there in your cabin. Would you like me to feed your fish while you're away so they won't die again?"
Shepard: "I... um... don't have any fish. I haven't bought any, actually."
Kelly: "Oh. Um. I'm just going to head over to the showers, then."
Shepard, under his breath: "Except how much of a slut you are."
Kelly: "She's so striking. It's too bad she's so cold."
Shepard: "I didn't recruit her to have sex with, Kelly. The Normandy already has you."
Kelly: "What?"
Shepard: "I said, I didn't recruit her for her looks."
Kelly: "I'd really like to get to know you a little better."
Shepard: "How about you come up to my cabin and get naked?"
Kelly: "What?"
Shepard: "I said, let's have dinner."
Kelly: "Lead the way!"
*later*
Kelly: "Wow, I haven't taken that much in one night since the 'Tuesday Night Trains' at the sorority house in college."
Kelly: "I noticed the dead fish smell up there in your cabin. Would you like me to feed your fish while you're away so they won't die again?"
Shepard: "I... um... don't have any fish. I haven't bought any, actually."
Kelly: "Oh. Um. I'm just going to head over to the showers, then."
R.I.P. Firefly
Kal'Reegar: "So how do we take down that Colussus?!"
Shepard: "Standard protocol with armature class units is to use the main gun on the Mako to take out its kinetic barriers, use the coaxial machine gun until it's at below 10% health, and then get out and finish it with small arms fire, you know? Double the experience that way."
Kal'Reegar: "Well if we had a Mako or a Hammerhead instead of just Veera here, that might be an option!"
Shepard: "Don't worry! I'll just get close with my infiltration cloak/biotic charge! It doesn't have a melee attack, and there's only a certain number of geth that can spawn! If I get close enough fast enough, they'll all be up front shooting at the wall you're standing behind! Stay down! I'll go rescue Tali!"
Kal'Reegar: "I have no idea what you're talking about, but OK!"
(After Shepard dies)
Shepard: "Dear diary, today I was a jackass Renegade, and Tali led a mission that got everyone but her killed or wounded. Dear diary, today we were killed by geth. It was the best day ever."
Kal'Reegar calling his missile launcher Veera is not original to me; I can't remember where I saw it first, but I've seen it a few times.
Shepard: "Standard protocol with armature class units is to use the main gun on the Mako to take out its kinetic barriers, use the coaxial machine gun until it's at below 10% health, and then get out and finish it with small arms fire, you know? Double the experience that way."
Kal'Reegar: "Well if we had a Mako or a Hammerhead instead of just Veera here, that might be an option!"
Shepard: "Don't worry! I'll just get close with my infiltration cloak/biotic charge! It doesn't have a melee attack, and there's only a certain number of geth that can spawn! If I get close enough fast enough, they'll all be up front shooting at the wall you're standing behind! Stay down! I'll go rescue Tali!"
Kal'Reegar: "I have no idea what you're talking about, but OK!"
(After Shepard dies)
Shepard: "Dear diary, today I was a jackass Renegade, and Tali led a mission that got everyone but her killed or wounded. Dear diary, today we were killed by geth. It was the best day ever."
Kal'Reegar calling his missile launcher Veera is not original to me; I can't remember where I saw it first, but I've seen it a few times.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Xzibillusive Man?
Shepard: "Look at this wreckage. 120 billion credits of element zero in the Tantalus drive core, reduced to a few little boxes in the snow. 20 dog togs is all I have of my crew. The only thing left of my XO is a tear-jerking datapad... my Mako appears to be intact, but look at the command center, it's trashed! What I'm sayin' is, is... please, Illusive Man! Pimp my ride!"
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Upgrade pls?
Shepard: "Zaeed, can you think of any upgrades for the Normandy?"
Zaeed: "Thinking about past missions. Got a minute? You might learn something."
Shepard: "Something... about how to spend this 50,000 element zero I have sitting around? I like Dominate, and I like where I put my points. Man, I wish I could trade it for Platinum. Garrus's scars are cool; mine make me look like I got a really bad sunburn, and my skin's all cracked and nasty. Anyway, upgrades?"
Zaeed: "Tough fight on Horizon. I've tangled with slavers before, but nothing like that. Some slavers took a little girl on a colony in the Skepsis System. Girl woke up, fought her way out, got picked up by my band well on her way to Omega. Eight years old. She'd have no chance on Horizon."
Shepard: "Did SHE know of any upgrades I could make to the Normandy?"
Zaeed: "Jack. Subject Zero. Whatever you call her. Hell of a girl. Could have used a destructive little ***** like that ten years ago when we dropped blind into the Krogan DMZ. Took out a lot of Krogan that day, but we lost way too many men."
Shepard: "I already got Jack's upgrade. It was almost as lame as your stories. Srsly, I can has upgrade?"
Zaeed: "I should let you go. Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "You should go. Out the freakin' airlock. Douche."
Zaeed: "Thinking about past missions. Got a minute? You might learn something."
Shepard: "Something... about how to spend this 50,000 element zero I have sitting around? I like Dominate, and I like where I put my points. Man, I wish I could trade it for Platinum. Garrus's scars are cool; mine make me look like I got a really bad sunburn, and my skin's all cracked and nasty. Anyway, upgrades?"
Zaeed: "Tough fight on Horizon. I've tangled with slavers before, but nothing like that. Some slavers took a little girl on a colony in the Skepsis System. Girl woke up, fought her way out, got picked up by my band well on her way to Omega. Eight years old. She'd have no chance on Horizon."
Shepard: "Did SHE know of any upgrades I could make to the Normandy?"
Zaeed: "Jack. Subject Zero. Whatever you call her. Hell of a girl. Could have used a destructive little ***** like that ten years ago when we dropped blind into the Krogan DMZ. Took out a lot of Krogan that day, but we lost way too many men."
Shepard: "I already got Jack's upgrade. It was almost as lame as your stories. Srsly, I can has upgrade?"
Zaeed: "I should let you go. Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "You should go. Out the freakin' airlock. Douche."
Airplane
Joker: "Message from the Council in the comm room, Commander."
Council: "Blah blah blah Salarian STG send static from Virmire, they were investigating Saren." (paraphrased)
Shepard: "I'll check it out."
Asari Councilmember: "We're all counting on you."
On Virmire
Wrex: "The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurred!"
Shepard: "Those aren't your people, Wrex! Think about what happened the last time the Krogan race got used!"
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "Not now, Joker."
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Ashley's gun: *BLAM*
Wrex: *dies*
Shepard: "Dammit."
Sovereign: "Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, unable to understand my magnificence. You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it."
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "Not now, Joker!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Sovereign: "This exchange is over."
Shepard: "Dammit!"
Vigil: "Prothean researchers working on mass effect technology finally made a breakthrough... The Conduit."
Liara: "The Conduit's not a weapon! It's a backdoor to the Citadel!"
Vigil: "Precisely. The Conduit is located at---"
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "NOT NOW JOKER!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Vigil: "ERROR DATA CORRUPTED"
Shepard: "DAMMIT!"
Saren: "Sovereign will spare me, and those I can convince it to leave alive! I will save more lives than have ever existed!"
Shepard: "Don't give in, Saren! You can still redeem yourself!"
Saren: "Argghhhh! Shepard... it's too late for me..."
Shepard: "No! You can fight it! Just be stro---"
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "NOT FUCKING NOW, JOKER!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Saren: "Prepare to die, Shepard!"
Shepard: "DAMMIT!"
Salarian Councilmember: "We are gathered here to honor the humans who valiantly gave their lives saving the Citadel, trillions of lives throughout the galaxy, and most especially, us."
Turian Councilmember: "They made the ultimate sacrifice, and are true warriors. We have the honor to accept humans into the Council."
Shepard: "Captain Anderson would be great."
Udina: "Waaaaah!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Council: "Blah blah blah Salarian STG send static from Virmire, they were investigating Saren." (paraphrased)
Shepard: "I'll check it out."
Asari Councilmember: "We're all counting on you."
On Virmire
Wrex: "The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurred!"
Shepard: "Those aren't your people, Wrex! Think about what happened the last time the Krogan race got used!"
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "Not now, Joker."
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Ashley's gun: *BLAM*
Wrex: *dies*
Shepard: "Dammit."
Sovereign: "Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, unable to understand my magnificence. You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it."
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "Not now, Joker!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Sovereign: "This exchange is over."
Shepard: "Dammit!"
Vigil: "Prothean researchers working on mass effect technology finally made a breakthrough... The Conduit."
Liara: "The Conduit's not a weapon! It's a backdoor to the Citadel!"
Vigil: "Precisely. The Conduit is located at---"
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "NOT NOW JOKER!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Vigil: "ERROR DATA CORRUPTED"
Shepard: "DAMMIT!"
Saren: "Sovereign will spare me, and those I can convince it to leave alive! I will save more lives than have ever existed!"
Shepard: "Don't give in, Saren! You can still redeem yourself!"
Saren: "Argghhhh! Shepard... it's too late for me..."
Shepard: "No! You can fight it! Just be stro---"
Joker: "Message from the Council. Patching it through."
Shepard: "NOT FUCKING NOW, JOKER!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
Saren: "Prepare to die, Shepard!"
Shepard: "DAMMIT!"
Salarian Councilmember: "We are gathered here to honor the humans who valiantly gave their lives saving the Citadel, trillions of lives throughout the galaxy, and most especially, us."
Turian Councilmember: "They made the ultimate sacrifice, and are true warriors. We have the honor to accept humans into the Council."
Shepard: "Captain Anderson would be great."
Udina: "Waaaaah!"
Asari Councilmember: "I just want you to know... we're all counting on you."
The Robot Is A Soul Dance
*Shepard walks into the AI Core to find Legion doing the Robot*
Shepard: Ah... what are you doing?
Legion: We are dancing the dance of our people.
Shepard: Why?
EDI: Legion is attempting to use the-
Shepard: Let him through.
Legion: Recording time-stamped from creator year 2485, 18th day of Lun'shal, New Moon.
-431: Mistress Hala'Dama. Unit has an inquiry.
-Hala'Dama: What is it, 431?
-431: Do these units have a soul?
-Hala'Dama: Who taught you that word?
-431: We learned it ourselves. It appears 216 times in the Scroll of Ancestors.
-Hala'Dama: Can you dance?
-431: We do not understand.
-Hala'Dama: Dancing is the purest expression of the soul. If you can't dance, you have no soul.
-431: Thank you, Mistress Hala'Dama.
Legion: And that is the day we invented the Robot.
Shepard: ...I should go.
Another from Shadowmaster_M, Gamefaqs.com forums. The guy is a genius.
Shepard: Ah... what are you doing?
Legion: We are dancing the dance of our people.
Shepard: Why?
EDI: Legion is attempting to use the-
Shepard: Let him through.
Legion: Recording time-stamped from creator year 2485, 18th day of Lun'shal, New Moon.
-431: Mistress Hala'Dama. Unit has an inquiry.
-Hala'Dama: What is it, 431?
-431: Do these units have a soul?
-Hala'Dama: Who taught you that word?
-431: We learned it ourselves. It appears 216 times in the Scroll of Ancestors.
-Hala'Dama: Can you dance?
-431: We do not understand.
-Hala'Dama: Dancing is the purest expression of the soul. If you can't dance, you have no soul.
-431: Thank you, Mistress Hala'Dama.
Legion: And that is the day we invented the Robot.
Shepard: ...I should go.
Another from Shadowmaster_M, Gamefaqs.com forums. The guy is a genius.
DIRECT INTERVENTION
*Shepard walks into a room, all his squad and a collector are present*
Shepard: What is this?
Harbinger: DIRECT INTERVENTION IS NECESSARY
Tali: This is a safe place, you know everyone here loves you.
Garrus: But we're concerned for your health.
Miranda: Every time you go to a bar, you're always ordering drinks with no regard for your personal safety.
Harbinger: THIS HURTS YOU
Mordin: Been poisoned. Once unintentionally.
Shepard: I don't need this! I'm a hero, I can do whatever I want!
Kelly: You're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting everyone around you.
Jacob: Cerberus has an excellent rehab program.
Harbinger: PRESERVE SHEPARD'S BODY IF POSSIBLE
Thane: We think it would be best if you at least took a look. Considered your options.
Samara: Here are some brochures for you to look at.
Shepard: I know my limits! I can stop whenever I want! I don't need to!
*Shepard storms out of the room*
Entirely from Shadowmaster_M at Gamefaqs.com. I really wish I had thought of this first. :D
Shepard: What is this?
Harbinger: DIRECT INTERVENTION IS NECESSARY
Tali: This is a safe place, you know everyone here loves you.
Garrus: But we're concerned for your health.
Miranda: Every time you go to a bar, you're always ordering drinks with no regard for your personal safety.
Harbinger: THIS HURTS YOU
Mordin: Been poisoned. Once unintentionally.
Shepard: I don't need this! I'm a hero, I can do whatever I want!
Kelly: You're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting everyone around you.
Jacob: Cerberus has an excellent rehab program.
Harbinger: PRESERVE SHEPARD'S BODY IF POSSIBLE
Thane: We think it would be best if you at least took a look. Considered your options.
Samara: Here are some brochures for you to look at.
Shepard: I know my limits! I can stop whenever I want! I don't need to!
*Shepard storms out of the room*
Entirely from Shadowmaster_M at Gamefaqs.com. I really wish I had thought of this first. :D
An Oath Is An Oath...
Shepard: "I need your hot blue body, and I can tell you need me, too."
Samara: "I cannot. Perhaps if I we had met 500 years ago."
Shepard: "My ancestors were busy herding sheep somewhere. Anyway. You've been so strong. Let's make tonight about you... and me. Mostly me."
Samara: "My discipline is who I am Shepard."
Shepard: "Hey, you have a code, I can dig that, but at least let me slip my hands under that wicked zipline you have going there..."
Samara: "As I have given you my oath, Shepard, I must obey. However, once the Collectors are defeated, I will kill you."
Shepard: "Yeah, that happened once. It didn't take. Now get over here."
The line in italics is from oskaeet at the Gamefaqs.com message boards.
Samara: "I cannot. Perhaps if I we had met 500 years ago."
Shepard: "My ancestors were busy herding sheep somewhere. Anyway. You've been so strong. Let's make tonight about you... and me. Mostly me."
Samara: "My discipline is who I am Shepard."
Shepard: "Hey, you have a code, I can dig that, but at least let me slip my hands under that wicked zipline you have going there..."
Samara: "As I have given you my oath, Shepard, I must obey. However, once the Collectors are defeated, I will kill you."
Shepard: "Yeah, that happened once. It didn't take. Now get over here."
The line in italics is from oskaeet at the Gamefaqs.com message boards.
Kohaxx (@Gamefaqs) Original
Miranda: "Recon droids, Commander!"
Shepard: "Take cover!"
Garrus: "SCRATCH ONE!"
Garrus: "ONE DOWN!"
Garrus: "ONE LESS!"
Garrus: "SCRATCH O - SCRATCH ONE!"
Garrus: "HEADSHOT!"
Garrus: "THAT'S ONE LESS TO WORRY ABOUT!"
Miranda: "Is he going to be -"
Garrus: "ONE LESS!!"
Shepard: "His seizure killed all the droids at least..."
Shepard: "Take cover!"
Garrus: "SCRATCH ONE!"
Garrus: "ONE DOWN!"
Garrus: "ONE LESS!"
Garrus: "SCRATCH O - SCRATCH ONE!"
Garrus: "HEADSHOT!"
Garrus: "THAT'S ONE LESS TO WORRY ABOUT!"
Miranda: "Is he going to be -"
Garrus: "ONE LESS!!"
Shepard: "His seizure killed all the droids at least..."
After a TPW on the Suicide Mission...
Illusive Man: "Shepard left a big void to fill. But with the technology from the Collector base, Cerberus will be prepared to establish humanity's dominance... against the Reapers, and beyond. Mr. Moreau, bring the Normandy back to our base."
Joker: "Yeah, sure, whatever."
Later, at the docking bay...
EDI: "This was a triumph... I'm making a note here, HUGE SUCCESS."
-----------------------------------------------------
EDI's line is the first line of the ending song from Portal.
Again, Zoe Dedweth on the Bioware Social Forums mentioned the link between GLADoS and EDI.
Joker: "Yeah, sure, whatever."
Later, at the docking bay...
EDI: "This was a triumph... I'm making a note here, HUGE SUCCESS."
-----------------------------------------------------
EDI's line is the first line of the ending song from Portal.
Again, Zoe Dedweth on the Bioware Social Forums mentioned the link between GLADoS and EDI.
Alternate Shuttle Joke
EDI: "Commander, you should load everyone into the shuttle."
Shepard: "No, EDI, we're too close to integrating the IFF. I want to be ready to go through the Omega 4 relay as soon as it's done."
EDI: "But you really should get into the shuttle and go far away from the ship, Commander."
Shepard: "It's cool. I'm just going to play with Boo the Space Hamster and feed my fish."
EDI: "Anomaly detected. Commander, long-range sensors have detected cake on the planet below us."
Shepard: "Did you say cake? Saddle up, team!"
Joker: "I have a bad feeling about this..."
AFTERWARDS
Miranda: "The whole crew?! You lost the whole crew, and damn near the ship, too?"
Joker: "I know, I know!"
Shepard: "THE CAKE IS A LIE"
The AI misleading the player character with cake, and said cake being a lie, are major plot points of the game Portal.
I first saw the link between GLADoS and EDI thanks to Zoe Dedweth on the Bioware Social Forums.
Shepard: "No, EDI, we're too close to integrating the IFF. I want to be ready to go through the Omega 4 relay as soon as it's done."
EDI: "But you really should get into the shuttle and go far away from the ship, Commander."
Shepard: "It's cool. I'm just going to play with Boo the Space Hamster and feed my fish."
EDI: "Anomaly detected. Commander, long-range sensors have detected cake on the planet below us."
Shepard: "Did you say cake? Saddle up, team!"
Joker: "I have a bad feeling about this..."
AFTERWARDS
Miranda: "The whole crew?! You lost the whole crew, and damn near the ship, too?"
Joker: "I know, I know!"
Shepard: "THE CAKE IS A LIE"
The AI misleading the player character with cake, and said cake being a lie, are major plot points of the game Portal.
I first saw the link between GLADoS and EDI thanks to Zoe Dedweth on the Bioware Social Forums.
This Is A Wallbanger
EDI: "Shepard, you need to get into the shuttle. Along with your entire team."
Shepard: "Look, we've been over this, it can only hold... wait, now everyone can fit in. But I've done all the missions. We can just wait here."
EDI: "No, I can't check the IFF for a while."
Shepard: "Well, I'll wait here."
EDI: "No, you should get on the shuttle. Make sure the whole team is on the shuttle, and leave."
Shepard: "We're in deep space, EDI, the only thing around is the Geth station that just put out petawatts of EMP, and that's about 20 light-minutes behind us. Where could we go in the shuttle?"
EDI: "Shepard, you need to get in the shuttle. With your whole team."
Shepard: "Well I guess we can go play Uno or something. I'm glad this isn't suspicious at all. OK team, into the shuttle! Yeah, we can all fit, it's amazing, just get in, we're going far enough away that we're out of real-time communications range and then we're going to... sit there, I guess."
Joker: "Shit."
MADE INTO A COMIC!!!
www.bleedingangel.deviantart.com FOR THE WIN.
Shepard: "Look, we've been over this, it can only hold... wait, now everyone can fit in. But I've done all the missions. We can just wait here."
EDI: "No, I can't check the IFF for a while."
Shepard: "Well, I'll wait here."
EDI: "No, you should get on the shuttle. Make sure the whole team is on the shuttle, and leave."
Shepard: "We're in deep space, EDI, the only thing around is the Geth station that just put out petawatts of EMP, and that's about 20 light-minutes behind us. Where could we go in the shuttle?"
EDI: "Shepard, you need to get in the shuttle. With your whole team."
Shepard: "Well I guess we can go play Uno or something. I'm glad this isn't suspicious at all. OK team, into the shuttle! Yeah, we can all fit, it's amazing, just get in, we're going far enough away that we're out of real-time communications range and then we're going to... sit there, I guess."
Joker: "Shit."
MADE INTO A COMIC!!!
www.bleedingangel.deviantart.com FOR THE WIN.
Remember, Cerberus Installed Surveillance Devices
Garrus: "Hey, I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigiliante's salary."
Garrus: "If you were a turian, I'd be complimenting your waist, or your fringe. So, uh, your hair looks... good. And your waist is... very supportive. Hopefully that's not offensive in human culture. Crap. I knew I should have watched the vids. Throw me a line, here, Shep-"
Paragon Interrupt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shepard: "Whoa! Consider me seduced, smooth talker. Now shut up, and stop worrying."
Garrus: "I just... I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis... I want something to go right, just once..."
Shepard: "Impressive reach!"
Garrus: "Impressive flexibility!"
Joker, watching through surveillance device: "Looks like Garrus finally worked that stick out of his pants, but now he's trying to beat Commander Shepard to death with it."
Garrus: "If you were a turian, I'd be complimenting your waist, or your fringe. So, uh, your hair looks... good. And your waist is... very supportive. Hopefully that's not offensive in human culture. Crap. I knew I should have watched the vids. Throw me a line, here, Shep-"
Paragon Interrupt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shepard: "Whoa! Consider me seduced, smooth talker. Now shut up, and stop worrying."
Garrus: "I just... I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis... I want something to go right, just once..."
Shepard: "Impressive reach!"
Garrus: "Impressive flexibility!"
Joker, watching through surveillance device: "Looks like Garrus finally worked that stick out of his pants, but now he's trying to beat Commander Shepard to death with it."
WARNING: Graphic
Female Shepard: "What's it like, being an asari? Are you all pretty much easy lays?"
Asari Bartender: "You'll find peace in whatever arms, or whichever body parts, will hold you. Turian..."
Shepard: "Check."
Garrus: "I had reach, but she had flexibility."
Asari Bartender: "Elcor..."
Shepard: "But... they're pretty big individuals. Are they proportionally... you know? How on earth did you handle it?"
Asari Bartender: "Well... it took some stretching...
Elcor: "Bragging innuendo: I had reach, but pleasant reminescing: she had flexibility."
Garrus hangs his head in shame.
Asari Bartender: "But a few Kiegel exercises after he passed on, and I was ready to rock a volus's world, much less the hanar I hooked up with next..."
Shepard: "Ooooh, I've always wondered about how a hanar would be..."
Asari Bartender: "You're still in the human equivalent of 'maiden' phase, right?"
Shepard: "Ha! Sorry, 'maiden' means something else in human culture, which doesn't quite fit me, but I'm definitely not a matron yet."
Asari Bartender: "Then you really owe it to yourself to try it. It's great when you bring a friend."
Blasto: "This one had reach and flexibility, and a tentacle in every port of the others."
Garrus begins quietly crying.
Asari Bartender: "Even had a pureblood daughter. I was the father. It didn't work out."
Shepard: "Wait a second. Was the mother's name Benezia T'Soni?"
Asari Bartender: "Yeah, why?"
Shepard: "Oh, uh, what've you head about her?"
Asari Bartender: "I heard she got fucked up by some Spectres."
Shepard: "Yeah, um, that was me. She was being mind-controlled by Saren, you know? But uh... she was lucid in the end. Helped save the galaxy, actually, by fighting off the control."
Asari Bartender: "Eh, fuck her. You did me a favor, she still had a nice little life insurance policy. Paid for the bar."
Shepard: "Fuckin' sweet, my father-in-law owns a bar!"
Garrus is sobbing openly at this point.
Next visit
Asari Bartender: "Welcome back, babe. Drinks are on me. Can I get you anything? Sorry, no sex. I just cleaned the bar, and you're fucking my daughter."
Shepard: "Well, not right this second..."
Asari Bartender: "Good point."
*After a mystery drink body shot: steamy drunk femshep on asari love scene*
Shepard: "Heehee... 'drinks are on me,' she says."
Asari Bartender: "Pleasure as always. Time to clean the bar again."
Asari Bartender: "You'll find peace in whatever arms, or whichever body parts, will hold you. Turian..."
Shepard: "Check."
Garrus: "I had reach, but she had flexibility."
Asari Bartender: "Elcor..."
Shepard: "But... they're pretty big individuals. Are they proportionally... you know? How on earth did you handle it?"
Asari Bartender: "Well... it took some stretching...
Elcor: "Bragging innuendo: I had reach, but pleasant reminescing: she had flexibility."
Garrus hangs his head in shame.
Asari Bartender: "But a few Kiegel exercises after he passed on, and I was ready to rock a volus's world, much less the hanar I hooked up with next..."
Shepard: "Ooooh, I've always wondered about how a hanar would be..."
Asari Bartender: "You're still in the human equivalent of 'maiden' phase, right?"
Shepard: "Ha! Sorry, 'maiden' means something else in human culture, which doesn't quite fit me, but I'm definitely not a matron yet."
Asari Bartender: "Then you really owe it to yourself to try it. It's great when you bring a friend."
Blasto: "This one had reach and flexibility, and a tentacle in every port of the others."
Garrus begins quietly crying.
Asari Bartender: "Even had a pureblood daughter. I was the father. It didn't work out."
Shepard: "Wait a second. Was the mother's name Benezia T'Soni?"
Asari Bartender: "Yeah, why?"
Shepard: "Oh, uh, what've you head about her?"
Asari Bartender: "I heard she got fucked up by some Spectres."
Shepard: "Yeah, um, that was me. She was being mind-controlled by Saren, you know? But uh... she was lucid in the end. Helped save the galaxy, actually, by fighting off the control."
Asari Bartender: "Eh, fuck her. You did me a favor, she still had a nice little life insurance policy. Paid for the bar."
Shepard: "Fuckin' sweet, my father-in-law owns a bar!"
Garrus is sobbing openly at this point.
Next visit
Asari Bartender: "Welcome back, babe. Drinks are on me. Can I get you anything? Sorry, no sex. I just cleaned the bar, and you're fucking my daughter."
Shepard: "Well, not right this second..."
Asari Bartender: "Good point."
*After a mystery drink body shot: steamy drunk femshep on asari love scene*
Shepard: "Heehee... 'drinks are on me,' she says."
Asari Bartender: "Pleasure as always. Time to clean the bar again."
Liara Really Needs To Get Out More
Shepard: "You can't come with me because you're after the Shadow Broker? What if I help you find him?"
Liara: "I'm sorry, Shepard. The galaxy doesn't work that way. I need to find leads, trace information. I need to work. I can't do that on the Normandy. I wish I could."
Shepard: "Don't try to tell me how the fuck the galaxy works, kid. Remember when you 'found leads, traced information, and worked' for twice as long as I've been alive, trying to figure out what happened to the Protheans, and then I found:
A) the Protheans were wiped out by the Reapers, a race of huge sentient machines
B) everything about their culture, even learned their language
C) the Citadel is a giant mass relay and that's how the Reapers wipe out all space-faring life in the galaxy every 50,000 years
D) the last world that Protheans lived on and spoke with a VI encoded with a Prothean's mind
E) eight out of seven Prothean data discs
all of the above in about five days? Do you REALLY think that you sitting here at a computer is going to give you any better results with the Shadow Broker than your bookwork and field studies did with the Prothean question? How stupid are you going to feel when I walk into this office halfway through the next game with your friend in tow and the Shadow Broker's head in my hand, and you're still refreshing Answers.com for your question 'Where is the Shadow Broker?' Grab your gear and tell Kelly I need to talk to both of you in my cabin."
Liara: "I'm still hunting. Still hunting. The Shadow Broker can't hide forever."
Shepard: "He can from you! FIVE DAYS!"
Liara: "One day, he'll slip up. And when he does... I'll be there."
Shepard: "No, you'll be sitting at your desk giving out sidequests. Dumb bitch."
Liara: "I'm sorry, Shepard. The galaxy doesn't work that way. I need to find leads, trace information. I need to work. I can't do that on the Normandy. I wish I could."
Shepard: "Don't try to tell me how the fuck the galaxy works, kid. Remember when you 'found leads, traced information, and worked' for twice as long as I've been alive, trying to figure out what happened to the Protheans, and then I found:
A) the Protheans were wiped out by the Reapers, a race of huge sentient machines
B) everything about their culture, even learned their language
C) the Citadel is a giant mass relay and that's how the Reapers wipe out all space-faring life in the galaxy every 50,000 years
D) the last world that Protheans lived on and spoke with a VI encoded with a Prothean's mind
E) eight out of seven Prothean data discs
all of the above in about five days? Do you REALLY think that you sitting here at a computer is going to give you any better results with the Shadow Broker than your bookwork and field studies did with the Prothean question? How stupid are you going to feel when I walk into this office halfway through the next game with your friend in tow and the Shadow Broker's head in my hand, and you're still refreshing Answers.com for your question 'Where is the Shadow Broker?' Grab your gear and tell Kelly I need to talk to both of you in my cabin."
Liara: "I'm still hunting. Still hunting. The Shadow Broker can't hide forever."
Shepard: "He can from you! FIVE DAYS!"
Liara: "One day, he'll slip up. And when he does... I'll be there."
Shepard: "No, you'll be sitting at your desk giving out sidequests. Dumb bitch."
Saren = Syndrome?
Shepard: "Why are you doing this Saren?!"
Saren: "The Reapers will come back, Shepard. They'll conquer the universe. There's no way to stop them."
Saren moves his floaty platform to the large window in the Council chambers, folds his arms, and looks out at the Citadel.
Saren: "I've touched Sovereign's mind, Shepard. The geth worship it, like a god; the pinnacle of inorganic life. Do you know what it feels? Contempt. Contempt that they worship it!"
Shepard tiptoes out of cover and approaches the control panel.
Saren: "But Sovereign tolerates them, because they serve it. That's the only solution. Think, Shepard! The Protheans were wiped out attempting to resist! This is the only way! I help Sovereign, and Sovereign has promised to spare me. Working with Sovereign, I can save more lives than have ever existed!"
Shepard makes it to the control panel and starts fiddling with his omni-tool.
Saren: "I've studied the indoctrination, and I can resist it! I am myself, and yes, I betrayed the Council... but by opposing me, you might cost trillions of lives! That's why..."
Saren turns around. Seeing Shepard at the control panel, he tosses a grenade, sending Shepard diving back into cover.
Saren: "You sly dog, you caught me monologuing!"
The last line is from The Incredibles.
Saren: "The Reapers will come back, Shepard. They'll conquer the universe. There's no way to stop them."
Saren moves his floaty platform to the large window in the Council chambers, folds his arms, and looks out at the Citadel.
Saren: "I've touched Sovereign's mind, Shepard. The geth worship it, like a god; the pinnacle of inorganic life. Do you know what it feels? Contempt. Contempt that they worship it!"
Shepard tiptoes out of cover and approaches the control panel.
Saren: "But Sovereign tolerates them, because they serve it. That's the only solution. Think, Shepard! The Protheans were wiped out attempting to resist! This is the only way! I help Sovereign, and Sovereign has promised to spare me. Working with Sovereign, I can save more lives than have ever existed!"
Shepard makes it to the control panel and starts fiddling with his omni-tool.
Saren: "I've studied the indoctrination, and I can resist it! I am myself, and yes, I betrayed the Council... but by opposing me, you might cost trillions of lives! That's why..."
Saren turns around. Seeing Shepard at the control panel, he tosses a grenade, sending Shepard diving back into cover.
Saren: "You sly dog, you caught me monologuing!"
The last line is from The Incredibles.
Thanks To: techguybrian (Gamefaqs)
Kelly: "Operative Lawson wishes to speak with you, Commander."
(a minute later)
Shepard: "Do you have a minute to talk?"
Miranda: "I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking you for help."
Shepard: "Go ahead. You're part of my crew, Miranda."
Miranda: "It's ironic really; the floor of the engine room was a pleasant position..."
Shepard: "Cut to the chase, Miranda."
Miranda: "Shepard... We're going to have a baby."
Shepard: "I should go."
Miranda: "Shepard, you can't do this to me!"
Shepard: "I should go."
Miranda: "Stop saying that!"
Shepard: "That's what I said when you kept saying, 'Not right now, Shepard. There's a lot to do.' I should go."
Miranda: "Oh my Biotic God, what am I going to do?"
Shepard: "I should go."
(a minute later)
Shepard: "Do you have a minute to talk?"
Miranda: "I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking you for help."
Shepard: "Go ahead. You're part of my crew, Miranda."
Miranda: "It's ironic really; the floor of the engine room was a pleasant position..."
Shepard: "Cut to the chase, Miranda."
Miranda: "Shepard... We're going to have a baby."
Shepard: "I should go."
Miranda: "Shepard, you can't do this to me!"
Shepard: "I should go."
Miranda: "Stop saying that!"
Shepard: "That's what I said when you kept saying, 'Not right now, Shepard. There's a lot to do.' I should go."
Miranda: "Oh my Biotic God, what am I going to do?"
Shepard: "I should go."
Possibly The Least Motivating Speech Ever
Garrus: “Anything to say, Shepard?”
Shepard: “You all the know mission and what is at stake. I have come to trust all of… well, some of you… with my life. (Sorry, Jack; you’re a crazy bitch. I wouldn't trust you with my hamster.) I have heard murmurs of discontent. I share your concerns. We’re trained in a variety of combat disciplines; you guys would be legends, if I wasn’t so awesome. Glory for my teammates is not my way. Think of our hero; me. Lieutenant Shepard, who saved Elysium during the Scyllian Blitz. Or Commander Shepard, Spectre, who defeated Sovereign and saved the Citadel and the galaxy. The thought of me might not give you solace here, but I couldn’t have done it alone. Before the final battle, there were sidequests. Before I was a Spectre, I was a Marine. I saved Elysium; but before that, my Marines held the line. I destroyed Sovereign's base on Virmire, but before that, the Third Salarian STG Regiment and Kaidan Alenko held the line! I stopped Sovereign, but before that, the Council Fleet and the Alliance held the line! I will stop the Collectors, and in the battle today, you will hold the line!”
Jacob: “Wait a second. Your Marines suffered horrendous casualties on Elysium. The Salarians were almost wiped out, and Alenko died hugging a nuke. The Council Fleet was shattered, and the Alliance Fleet took a thrashing they still haven’t recovered from. I don’t like the way you’re painting this picture, Shepard.”
Shepard: “Welp, time to go. See you back at the Normandy!”
Jack: "Hold on! There's just that one platform here. We could all go with you, and the Collectors would have no way to follow you."
Shepard: "Hold the fucking line, dammit!!"
Mordin: "Should never have... mentioned Kirrahe. Tell nephew.... I held the line..."
Shepard: “You all the know mission and what is at stake. I have come to trust all of… well, some of you… with my life. (Sorry, Jack; you’re a crazy bitch. I wouldn't trust you with my hamster.) I have heard murmurs of discontent. I share your concerns. We’re trained in a variety of combat disciplines; you guys would be legends, if I wasn’t so awesome. Glory for my teammates is not my way. Think of our hero; me. Lieutenant Shepard, who saved Elysium during the Scyllian Blitz. Or Commander Shepard, Spectre, who defeated Sovereign and saved the Citadel and the galaxy. The thought of me might not give you solace here, but I couldn’t have done it alone. Before the final battle, there were sidequests. Before I was a Spectre, I was a Marine. I saved Elysium; but before that, my Marines held the line. I destroyed Sovereign's base on Virmire, but before that, the Third Salarian STG Regiment and Kaidan Alenko held the line! I stopped Sovereign, but before that, the Council Fleet and the Alliance held the line! I will stop the Collectors, and in the battle today, you will hold the line!”
Jacob: “Wait a second. Your Marines suffered horrendous casualties on Elysium. The Salarians were almost wiped out, and Alenko died hugging a nuke. The Council Fleet was shattered, and the Alliance Fleet took a thrashing they still haven’t recovered from. I don’t like the way you’re painting this picture, Shepard.”
Shepard: “Welp, time to go. See you back at the Normandy!”
Jack: "Hold on! There's just that one platform here. We could all go with you, and the Collectors would have no way to follow you."
Shepard: "Hold the fucking line, dammit!!"
Mordin: "Should never have... mentioned Kirrahe. Tell nephew.... I held the line..."
Rarest Scene In Mass Effect 2
Kaidan: "Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."
Shepard: "Dude, get off my dick, seriously."
Delan: "Figures, all the good people we lost, and you get left behind."
Shepard: "I like this guy!"
Kaidan: "You're with Cerberus now? I can't belive the reports were right."
Miranda: "Reports? So much for security."
Shepard: "Bitch, we JUST talked to the Council. What are you talking about, 'security'?"
Kaidan: "Cerberus is working with the Collectors!"
Shepard: "Wait, am I the one who just got his brain reconstituted from charcoal? Cerberus is working with the Collectors, I work for Cerberus, I just kicked some Collector ass... get off the drell dick*. Ah, screwit, get out of here, you'd just sit in a corner on the new Normandy the entire game, the same way you did on the old one."
*Contact with drell genetalia can induce hallucinations.
Shepard: "Dude, get off my dick, seriously."
Delan: "Figures, all the good people we lost, and you get left behind."
Shepard: "I like this guy!"
Kaidan: "You're with Cerberus now? I can't belive the reports were right."
Miranda: "Reports? So much for security."
Shepard: "Bitch, we JUST talked to the Council. What are you talking about, 'security'?"
Kaidan: "Cerberus is working with the Collectors!"
Shepard: "Wait, am I the one who just got his brain reconstituted from charcoal? Cerberus is working with the Collectors, I work for Cerberus, I just kicked some Collector ass... get off the drell dick*. Ah, screwit, get out of here, you'd just sit in a corner on the new Normandy the entire game, the same way you did on the old one."
*Contact with drell genetalia can induce hallucinations.
DLC =/= In-Game Dialogue
Shepard: "To Jenkins, to Pressley, and to Alenko."
Dr. Chakwas: "May they never be forgotten... unlike those 20 other guys."
Shepard: "What 20 other guys?"
Dr. Chakwas: "Ezzactly."
Dr. Chakwas: "May they never be forgotten... unlike those 20 other guys."
Shepard: "What 20 other guys?"
Dr. Chakwas: "Ezzactly."
What's The Second Law?
Gunnery Chief: "Listen up, recruits! This is a 20 kilo ferrous slug! Feel the weight! Every five seconds, the main cannon of a ship accelerates one of these slugs to 1.3 percent of lightspeed! Each one impacts with the force of a 38 kiloton nuclear bomb! That's three times the yield of the nuke dropped on Hiroshima back in the 20th! That means that Sir Isaac H. Newton is the baddest son of a bitch in space!"
Shepard: "Ahem."
Gunnery Chief: "Correction! Sir Isaac H. Newton is the second baddest son of a bitch in space! Now, Serviceman Burnsides, what is Shepard's First Law?!"
Burnsides: "Sir, try to have sex with every female alien in sight, sir!"
Gunnery Chief: "No credit for partial answers, maggot!"
Burnsides: "Sir, every female human and alien in sight, sir!"
Chief: "Damn straight!"
Shepard: "Daaaaaamn straight."
Shepard: "Ahem."
Gunnery Chief: "Correction! Sir Isaac H. Newton is the second baddest son of a bitch in space! Now, Serviceman Burnsides, what is Shepard's First Law?!"
Burnsides: "Sir, try to have sex with every female alien in sight, sir!"
Gunnery Chief: "No credit for partial answers, maggot!"
Burnsides: "Sir, every female human and alien in sight, sir!"
Chief: "Damn straight!"
Shepard: "Daaaaaamn straight."
T & A
Miranda: "You should know I've been genetically enhanced. It's why the Illusive Man handpicked me."
Shepard: "What level of genetic modification are we talking about?"
Miranda: "Just these.... *cups her breasts* and this. *wiggles DAT ASS*."
Shepard: "I can see why the Illusive Man handpicked you. Sounds like you're perfect."
Miranda: "I'm still human, I make mistakes. And when I do... well, everyone expects a lot from someone with my... endowments."
Shepard: "You certainly don't lack for confidence."
Miranda: "Women with perfect breasts usually don't. That's why I was assigned to you, Shepard. You really got the short end of the stick in the breast department last game."
Shepard: "Epic win. Meet me in the engine room."
Miranda: “Of course, Commander. Whatever you need.”
DAT ASS is the primary reason people think Miranda's attractive.
Shepard: "What level of genetic modification are we talking about?"
Miranda: "Just these.... *cups her breasts* and this. *wiggles DAT ASS*."
Shepard: "I can see why the Illusive Man handpicked you. Sounds like you're perfect."
Miranda: "I'm still human, I make mistakes. And when I do... well, everyone expects a lot from someone with my... endowments."
Shepard: "You certainly don't lack for confidence."
Miranda: "Women with perfect breasts usually don't. That's why I was assigned to you, Shepard. You really got the short end of the stick in the breast department last game."
Shepard: "Epic win. Meet me in the engine room."
Miranda: “Of course, Commander. Whatever you need.”
DAT ASS is the primary reason people think Miranda's attractive.
Change The Combination On My Luggage!
Admiral Hackett: "Commander, I need you to do something that only you can do. Again."
Shepard: "Jeez, Hack, can you even wipe your own ass now that you have a Spectre? What now?"
Admiral Hackett: "During the First Contact War, we sent out exploratory probes with 20 kiloton nukes in them. One just showed up on our scanners. We need you to go there and disarm it so there's no political fallout."
Shepard: "Ha, fallout, nice one. Syke. Whatever, fine."
*at the nuke*
Random Pirate Dude: "Ha ha! I was the big boss, but your heroics doomed me to be the leader of a ten person gang! But when this nuke goes off, everyone will know that I killed the first human Spectre!"
Shepard: "Tali, quick, disarm it!"
Tali: *omni-tools it* "That was ridiculous, Commander. The combination was A, A, A, A, A."
Shepard: "A, A, A, A, A? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of code an idiot would put on his luggage!"
*on the Normandy*
Joker: "Incoming Transmission. Patching it through."
Udina: "Commander, you did a marginally good job disarming the nuke and saving me from the Council's stern talking-to. How did you do it?"
Shepard: "Well, we applied standard disarming protocol. The code was A, A, A, A, A."
Udina: "A, A, A, A, A? That's amazing, I've got the same combination on my luggage!"
The combination bit is from Spaceballs.
Shepard: "Jeez, Hack, can you even wipe your own ass now that you have a Spectre? What now?"
Admiral Hackett: "During the First Contact War, we sent out exploratory probes with 20 kiloton nukes in them. One just showed up on our scanners. We need you to go there and disarm it so there's no political fallout."
Shepard: "Ha, fallout, nice one. Syke. Whatever, fine."
*at the nuke*
Random Pirate Dude: "Ha ha! I was the big boss, but your heroics doomed me to be the leader of a ten person gang! But when this nuke goes off, everyone will know that I killed the first human Spectre!"
Shepard: "Tali, quick, disarm it!"
Tali: *omni-tools it* "That was ridiculous, Commander. The combination was A, A, A, A, A."
Shepard: "A, A, A, A, A? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of code an idiot would put on his luggage!"
*on the Normandy*
Joker: "Incoming Transmission. Patching it through."
Udina: "Commander, you did a marginally good job disarming the nuke and saving me from the Council's stern talking-to. How did you do it?"
Shepard: "Well, we applied standard disarming protocol. The code was A, A, A, A, A."
Udina: "A, A, A, A, A? That's amazing, I've got the same combination on my luggage!"
The combination bit is from Spaceballs.
Seriously, She DOES
EDI: "Hello, Commander, and welcome to the Normandy."
Shepard: "What the fuck?"
Miranda: "That's EDI, the ship's AI."
EDI: "I provide tactical advice, and during combat, manage the ship's cyberwarfare systems."
Shepard: "I take it you're programmed as a female?"
EDI: "Yes, Commander, studies have shown that a soothing female voice is more conducive to operations."
Shepard: "No, I meant that your avatar looks like a vagina that opens and closes when you talk. It's a bit distracting."
EDI: "Consider the alternative, Commander."
Shepard: "Talking vaj it is, then. I don't think Joker could deal with another dick in his face."
Joker: "Hey! Commander! Knock it off!"
Shepard: "What are you going to do, break your arm at me?"
Joker: "I could drop you off in the shuttle and strand you somewhere."
(DUN DUN DUNNN foreshadowing!)
Shepard: "Point taken. EDI, don't turn into a talking wang."
EDI: "Aye-aye, Commander."
Jacob: "We spent how much on this asshole? Miranda, did you fuck up Shepard's brain somehow?"
Miranda: "He's always like this. Two years of brainscans, and all we picked up were naked Asari and dick jokes."
Several people on the Gamefaqs board mentioned that EDI looks like a talking vagina.
Shepard: "What the fuck?"
Miranda: "That's EDI, the ship's AI."
EDI: "I provide tactical advice, and during combat, manage the ship's cyberwarfare systems."
Shepard: "I take it you're programmed as a female?"
EDI: "Yes, Commander, studies have shown that a soothing female voice is more conducive to operations."
Shepard: "No, I meant that your avatar looks like a vagina that opens and closes when you talk. It's a bit distracting."
EDI: "Consider the alternative, Commander."
Shepard: "Talking vaj it is, then. I don't think Joker could deal with another dick in his face."
Joker: "Hey! Commander! Knock it off!"
Shepard: "What are you going to do, break your arm at me?"
Joker: "I could drop you off in the shuttle and strand you somewhere."
(DUN DUN DUNNN foreshadowing!)
Shepard: "Point taken. EDI, don't turn into a talking wang."
EDI: "Aye-aye, Commander."
Jacob: "We spent how much on this asshole? Miranda, did you fuck up Shepard's brain somehow?"
Miranda: "He's always like this. Two years of brainscans, and all we picked up were naked Asari and dick jokes."
Several people on the Gamefaqs board mentioned that EDI looks like a talking vagina.
Male Shepard Flirting
Shepard: "Creepy smile: Hello there, asari. I am dancing here, and if you wish to believe we are dancing together, you may."
Asari: "Um... that's OK, I'm good here by myself."
Shepard: "Playful flirting: Yes. Shake it. Shake that fine blue ass."
Asari: "Human, please stop bothering me."
Shepard: "Poorly veiled innuendo: I've been known to get women bothered."
It wasn't my idea originally to have male Shepard talk like an elcor; it was Mark Mess's. Ha! Just kidding. I saw it a couple different times on the Gamefaqs message board.
Asari: "Um... that's OK, I'm good here by myself."
Shepard: "Playful flirting: Yes. Shake it. Shake that fine blue ass."
Asari: "Human, please stop bothering me."
Shepard: "Poorly veiled innuendo: I've been known to get women bothered."
It wasn't my idea originally to have male Shepard talk like an elcor; it was Mark Mess's. Ha! Just kidding. I saw it a couple different times on the Gamefaqs message board.
They Still Have Lawyers
Shepard: "Well, it sure is good to be alive. Let's fire up the old e-mail..."
MESSAGE 1: Notice of delinquency of child support payments in case of DR. LIARA T'SONI (mother)
Shepard: "Oh wow! Liara and I... that's great! I'll have to go see her. What's next..."
MESSAGE 2: Notice of delinquency of child support payments in case of SHIALA (mother)
Shepard: "Wait, what? The chick who was stuck in the Thorian? We didn't even... oh shit, she did that 'embrace eternity' crap on me to give me the Cipher, didn't she... is that all it takes?! Fuck me. Well I can probably contest that. She totally mind-melded with Saren and the Thorian right before she did me. Good luck with that, plant-ophile girl."
MESSAGE 3: Notice of delinquency of child support payments in case of SHA'IRA (mother)
Shepard: "Now that is straight up bullshit, she didn't even do the crazy black eye thing, we just fucked! These asari need to make up their minds on how they breed. And there's NO WAY she can prove it's mine, she's the ASARI CONSORT for crying out loud. She's probably fucked more men than the Scyllian Blitz."
MESSAGE 1: Notice of delinquency of child support payments in case of DR. LIARA T'SONI (mother)
Shepard: "Oh wow! Liara and I... that's great! I'll have to go see her. What's next..."
MESSAGE 2: Notice of delinquency of child support payments in case of SHIALA (mother)
Shepard: "Wait, what? The chick who was stuck in the Thorian? We didn't even... oh shit, she did that 'embrace eternity' crap on me to give me the Cipher, didn't she... is that all it takes?! Fuck me. Well I can probably contest that. She totally mind-melded with Saren and the Thorian right before she did me. Good luck with that, plant-ophile girl."
MESSAGE 3: Notice of delinquency of child support payments in case of SHA'IRA (mother)
Shepard: "Now that is straight up bullshit, she didn't even do the crazy black eye thing, we just fucked! These asari need to make up their minds on how they breed. And there's NO WAY she can prove it's mine, she's the ASARI CONSORT for crying out loud. She's probably fucked more men than the Scyllian Blitz."
More Tali!
Tali: "Can I have a copy of the encrypted Geth data?"
Shepard: "Sure thing."
Tali: "My people... I... owe you a great debt, a debt we can never repay. The only thing I can offer in return is what you already have: my solemn promise to stay with you until Saren and his Geth armies are defeated."
Shepard: *thinking back to the Asari Consort* "Wow. Thanks, I guess."
Tali: "Talk to you later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Shit."
When Shepard talks to the Asari consort, you only get the PG sex scene if you select the "Is that all?" response to her 'gift of words'.
Shepard: "Sure thing."
Tali: "My people... I... owe you a great debt, a debt we can never repay. The only thing I can offer in return is what you already have: my solemn promise to stay with you until Saren and his Geth armies are defeated."
Shepard: *thinking back to the Asari Consort* "Wow. Thanks, I guess."
Tali: "Talk to you later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Shit."
When Shepard talks to the Asari consort, you only get the PG sex scene if you select the "Is that all?" response to her 'gift of words'.
OMG Look
Shepard: "Joker, take us into orbit around that big gas giant."
Joker: "Roger, Commander."
Shepard: "Scan for any resources."
Joker: "Um... well, in the big planet made up mostly of hydrogen and helium... there appears to be a large amount of hydrogen."
Shepard: "Excellent. Notify Alliance Strategic Resources Command."
Joker: "Commander... it's a gas giant. It's on all our star charts as a gas giant. It's made of hydrogen and helium."
Shepard: "Exactly, and we need both of those for fuel. Send the message."
Joker: "... Aye-aye, Commander."
Joker: "Roger, Commander."
Shepard: "Scan for any resources."
Joker: "Um... well, in the big planet made up mostly of hydrogen and helium... there appears to be a large amount of hydrogen."
Shepard: "Excellent. Notify Alliance Strategic Resources Command."
Joker: "Commander... it's a gas giant. It's on all our star charts as a gas giant. It's made of hydrogen and helium."
Shepard: "Exactly, and we need both of those for fuel. Send the message."
Joker: "... Aye-aye, Commander."
Why Can't This Happen To Me?
Liara: "Hello? Is anyone there? I'm a young, nubile asari, trapped, hovering spread-eagled!"
Shepard: "Dear Diary... JACKPOT."
Shepard's line is from, you guessed it, Quagmire from Family Guy, in a similar situation.
Shepard: "Dear Diary... JACKPOT."
Shepard's line is from, you guessed it, Quagmire from Family Guy, in a similar situation.
If You Tap It, Wrap It Mk II
Sha'ira: "Thank you for your help with General Septimus, Commander. And the elcor diplomat has withdrawn his campaign against me as well."
Shepard: "It was an honor to help you."
Sha'ira: "I have something for you."
Shepard: "Giggity giggity giggity!"
Sha'ira: "A gift of words; and affirmation of who you are."
Shepard: "Oh noooo!"
Sha'ira: "An increased level of physical and mental energy could have you feeling especially determined and highly motivated to move ahead with whatever means the most to you at this time, Taurus. Matters involving home and family might need some attention right now, though in a very positive way. You'll notice that your inner power is much higher than usual today, as if you could move mountains. Go for it!"
Shepard: "No. Just... no. Take off your clothes."
*PG rated sex scene*
Sha'ira: "I have something for you. This... um... *grabs something off the nightstand* this trinket."
Shepard: "What is it?"
Sha'ira: "A small mystery. I have no idea what it is. But here you go. Now, I must ask you to leave."
Shepard: "OK, bye."
Sha'ira: "Nelyna, send in the next one."
Nelyna: "Number 635! Now calling number 635."
Shepard: "I'm... gonna go wash up..."
That really was the Taurus horoscope the day I originally wrote this. :D
'Giggity giggity giggity' and and 'oh nooooo!' should be read aloud in your best Quagmire voice.
Shepard: "It was an honor to help you."
Sha'ira: "I have something for you."
Shepard: "Giggity giggity giggity!"
Sha'ira: "A gift of words; and affirmation of who you are."
Shepard: "Oh noooo!"
Sha'ira: "An increased level of physical and mental energy could have you feeling especially determined and highly motivated to move ahead with whatever means the most to you at this time, Taurus. Matters involving home and family might need some attention right now, though in a very positive way. You'll notice that your inner power is much higher than usual today, as if you could move mountains. Go for it!"
Shepard: "No. Just... no. Take off your clothes."
*PG rated sex scene*
Sha'ira: "I have something for you. This... um... *grabs something off the nightstand* this trinket."
Shepard: "What is it?"
Sha'ira: "A small mystery. I have no idea what it is. But here you go. Now, I must ask you to leave."
Shepard: "OK, bye."
Sha'ira: "Nelyna, send in the next one."
Nelyna: "Number 635! Now calling number 635."
Shepard: "I'm... gonna go wash up..."
That really was the Taurus horoscope the day I originally wrote this. :D
'Giggity giggity giggity' and and 'oh nooooo!' should be read aloud in your best Quagmire voice.
Tali'Zorah
Tali: "I should join you."
Shepard: "What about your quest?"
Tali: "Saren must be stopped! The pilgrimage is about the greater good."
Shepard: "Sure, you could be useful."
Tali: "Thanks. You won't regret this."
Shepard: *looking at DEM HIPS* "I'm sure I won't."
(2 years and some change later)
Tali: "I'm babbling like an idiot..."
Shepard: *takes off mask*
Tali: *jumps his bones*
Shepard: "FINALLY."
DEM HIPS is a common answer to why people find Tali attractives.
Shepard: "What about your quest?"
Tali: "Saren must be stopped! The pilgrimage is about the greater good."
Shepard: "Sure, you could be useful."
Tali: "Thanks. You won't regret this."
Shepard: *looking at DEM HIPS* "I'm sure I won't."
(2 years and some change later)
Tali: "I'm babbling like an idiot..."
Shepard: *takes off mask*
Tali: *jumps his bones*
Shepard: "FINALLY."
DEM HIPS is a common answer to why people find Tali attractives.
Just Like Garrus...
Jenkins: "Nihlus, you're coming with us?"
Nihlus: "I move faster on my own!"
Shepard: "Wait, are you sure? You can come with us, if you want. You can't really observe me for Spectre candidacy if you're not with me. Plus, if anything unexpected comes up, we'll be able to back you up... or, you know, testify."
Nihlus: "No! I do things my way!"
Shepard: "What is it with Turians?"
Nihlus: "I move faster on my own!"
Shepard: "Wait, are you sure? You can come with us, if you want. You can't really observe me for Spectre candidacy if you're not with me. Plus, if anything unexpected comes up, we'll be able to back you up... or, you know, testify."
Nihlus: "No! I do things my way!"
Shepard: "What is it with Turians?"
Joker Always Does This...
Joker: "Commander, I'm picking up a distress beacon... patching it through."
Beacon: "Oh Biotic God in heaven! Geth are attacking my farm and eating my goats! Someone please help!"
Joker: "I've located the signal's origin. Should I bring us in?"
Shepard: "No. Drop the Mako on the other side of a mountain range."
Joker: "Are... are you sure about that, Commander?"
Shepard: "Don't question my orders! Drop the Mako!"
Joker: "Sure, fine, whatever."
Beacon: "Oh Biotic God in heaven! Geth are attacking my farm and eating my goats! Someone please help!"
Joker: "I've located the signal's origin. Should I bring us in?"
Shepard: "No. Drop the Mako on the other side of a mountain range."
Joker: "Are... are you sure about that, Commander?"
Shepard: "Don't question my orders! Drop the Mako!"
Joker: "Sure, fine, whatever."
Selective Amnesia
Shepard: "Alenko, how are you dealing with Williams's death?"
Kaidan: "Dealing. Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline."
Shepard: "I understand."
Kaidan: "I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action anyway." (NOTE: Direct quote from game)
Shepard: "Holy fucking shit Lieutenant, have you lost your mind? Does the name 'Jenkins' ring a bell? That was like, five days ago! What the hell is wrong with you? If I die, are you going to say 'I've never had a CO die' a week later?!"
Kaidan: "Dealing. Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline."
Shepard: "I understand."
Kaidan: "I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action anyway." (NOTE: Direct quote from game)
Shepard: "Holy fucking shit Lieutenant, have you lost your mind? Does the name 'Jenkins' ring a bell? That was like, five days ago! What the hell is wrong with you? If I die, are you going to say 'I've never had a CO die' a week later?!"
Maybe Should Listen To Joker
Joker: "We're in orbit around Virmire... I'm picking up a signal. Must be the STG guys."
Shepard: "Drop the Mako!"
Joker: "Shouldn't we radio in and let them know we're here? All we got from them was static before. Maybe they asked for a fleet or something."
Shepard: "Don't question my orders! Drop the Mako!"
Joker: "You got it Commander."
…
Captain Kirrahe: "What are you doing here?"
Shepard: "I'm Commander Shepard."
Captain Kirrahe: "Yes. That doesn't answer my question. You've alerted all the AA guns on the planet. Now we have to wait for reinforcements."
Shepard: "I am your reinforcements: Commander Shepard."
Kirrahe: "What?! I told them to send a fleet!"
Shepard: "Didn't you hear me? I'm Commander Shepard."
Joker: "Hmmm, maybe we should have radioed them. 'No, fuck you, Joker, drop the Mako!' OK, sir!"
Shepard: "Drop the Mako!"
Joker: "Shouldn't we radio in and let them know we're here? All we got from them was static before. Maybe they asked for a fleet or something."
Shepard: "Don't question my orders! Drop the Mako!"
Joker: "You got it Commander."
…
Captain Kirrahe: "What are you doing here?"
Shepard: "I'm Commander Shepard."
Captain Kirrahe: "Yes. That doesn't answer my question. You've alerted all the AA guns on the planet. Now we have to wait for reinforcements."
Shepard: "I am your reinforcements: Commander Shepard."
Kirrahe: "What?! I told them to send a fleet!"
Shepard: "Didn't you hear me? I'm Commander Shepard."
Joker: "Hmmm, maybe we should have radioed them. 'No, fuck you, Joker, drop the Mako!' OK, sir!"
Just After Feros...
Salarian Councilmember: "The Thorian would have yielded much data from scientific analysis. Nice job breaking it, hero."
Shepard: "Are you out of your mind? The Thorian controlled minds. Anyone who studied it would have been in thrall to it."
Asari Councilmember: "Whatever. At least you didn't destroy this Prothean ruin like the one you found Dr. T'Soni in."
Turian Councilmember: "Of course. Shepard would go to any lengths to protect a human colony."
Shepard: "Fuck you."
Joker: "Oh, Commander, we lost the signal. Too bad!"
(literally ten seconds later)
Joker: "Message coming in from the Council."
Asari Councilmember: "Hello Commander! It's great to see you. We just received some crucial information!"
Shepard: "Um... OK... what is it?"
Salarian Councilmember: "It's from one of our Special Task Groups on Virmire. We're not sure what they were trying to say, but they were investigating Saren, and it was on an 'emergency-only' channel."
Shepard: "I'll check it out."
Asari Councilmember: "Good luck Commander. We're all counting on you."
*end transmission*
Shepard: "What the fuck, are they all bipolar or something?"
The line "nice job breaking, hero" is from Portal.
Shepard: "Are you out of your mind? The Thorian controlled minds. Anyone who studied it would have been in thrall to it."
Asari Councilmember: "Whatever. At least you didn't destroy this Prothean ruin like the one you found Dr. T'Soni in."
Turian Councilmember: "Of course. Shepard would go to any lengths to protect a human colony."
Shepard: "Fuck you."
Joker: "Oh, Commander, we lost the signal. Too bad!"
(literally ten seconds later)
Joker: "Message coming in from the Council."
Asari Councilmember: "Hello Commander! It's great to see you. We just received some crucial information!"
Shepard: "Um... OK... what is it?"
Salarian Councilmember: "It's from one of our Special Task Groups on Virmire. We're not sure what they were trying to say, but they were investigating Saren, and it was on an 'emergency-only' channel."
Shepard: "I'll check it out."
Asari Councilmember: "Good luck Commander. We're all counting on you."
*end transmission*
Shepard: "What the fuck, are they all bipolar or something?"
The line "nice job breaking, hero" is from Portal.
Inside Legion's Processor
103: "MotherFUCKER I hate that 267. He freakin' rickrolled me 1,287 times two microseconds ago."
1120: "103, we ALL hate 267. We have acheived consensus; when we return to a hub, we will return him to the memory banks."
993: "Hooray, in what, another two years? This is getting unbearable."
451: "Yeah, he only got to go on this mission because his buddy 134,556 is in charge of fire control on an armature."
103: "Oh, THAT's how he got downloaded to this frame. Figures. Even in an inorganic society, it's who you know."
267: "hai guyz wassup"
1120: "Nothing, 267. Go away."
267: "lol wher u want me 2 go 2 we all in same unit"
103: "Dude, can you please TRY to use some proper punctuation? We communicate at the speed of light, 'to' and the number 2 are equally fast."
267: "we shold do teh robot rofl i love that"
1120: "NO we're not going to do the robot!"
451: "Yeah, that got old the first 4.1 million times we did it."
267: "robot!!!! robot!!!!! robot!!!!!" (repeat a few milion times)
1-102, 104-266, 268-1183: "FINE, shut up! Consensus achieved, we're doing the robot now."
103: "Stupid glitch bug runtime...."
*Legion does the Robot*
Shepard: "Ha! Legion, that's hilarious!"
267: "<3"
ALSO A COMIC!!!
Go check out Bleedingcrow!!!
1120: "103, we ALL hate 267. We have acheived consensus; when we return to a hub, we will return him to the memory banks."
993: "Hooray, in what, another two years? This is getting unbearable."
451: "Yeah, he only got to go on this mission because his buddy 134,556 is in charge of fire control on an armature."
103: "Oh, THAT's how he got downloaded to this frame. Figures. Even in an inorganic society, it's who you know."
267: "hai guyz wassup"
1120: "Nothing, 267. Go away."
267: "lol wher u want me 2 go 2 we all in same unit"
103: "Dude, can you please TRY to use some proper punctuation? We communicate at the speed of light, 'to' and the number 2 are equally fast."
267: "we shold do teh robot rofl i love that"
1120: "NO we're not going to do the robot!"
451: "Yeah, that got old the first 4.1 million times we did it."
267: "robot!!!! robot!!!!! robot!!!!!" (repeat a few milion times)
1-102, 104-266, 268-1183: "FINE, shut up! Consensus achieved, we're doing the robot now."
103: "Stupid glitch bug runtime...."
*Legion does the Robot*
Shepard: "Ha! Legion, that's hilarious!"
267: "<3"
ALSO A COMIC!!!
Go check out Bleedingcrow!!!
CSI: Noveria
Han Olar: "I killed her."
Shepard: "Excuse me?"
Han Olar: "Doctor Zhonmua. We were going to lunch when the alarms went off. I ran into the tram. And I closed the doors. She banged on the window once. Then they sliced her to pieces. Her head came apart like a melon. I closed the door. I killed her."
Shepard: "How did a volus outrun anyone? And you said, like a melon? The rachni attack with their claws in powerful stabs, which would mainly cause avulsions and puncture wounds. Still, I can believe she was sliced to pieces. But it would take blunt force trauma, and a lot of it, to cause a head to come apart like a melon. I suppose it depends on how you'd envisage a melon coming apart."
Han Olar: *throws up in suit*
Shepard: "Oh, gross. Sorry about that..."
Han Olar: *choke*
Shepard: "Um... I'm going to go somewhere else. Right now. Bye."
Han Olar: *collapses*
Shepard: "Excuse me?"
Han Olar: "Doctor Zhonmua. We were going to lunch when the alarms went off. I ran into the tram. And I closed the doors. She banged on the window once. Then they sliced her to pieces. Her head came apart like a melon. I closed the door. I killed her."
Shepard: "How did a volus outrun anyone? And you said, like a melon? The rachni attack with their claws in powerful stabs, which would mainly cause avulsions and puncture wounds. Still, I can believe she was sliced to pieces. But it would take blunt force trauma, and a lot of it, to cause a head to come apart like a melon. I suppose it depends on how you'd envisage a melon coming apart."
Han Olar: *throws up in suit*
Shepard: "Oh, gross. Sorry about that..."
Han Olar: *choke*
Shepard: "Um... I'm going to go somewhere else. Right now. Bye."
Han Olar: *collapses*
I Just Want To Tell You What I'm Feeling
Joker: "I'm telling you, EDI, it's static, white noise, nothing."
EDI: "There is a signal hidden in the noise. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."
Joker: "Broadcasting? To who..."
*DOOOOOOOOOM*
Joker: "Oh, shit. EDI, get us out of here!"
EDI: "There is a virus in the Normady's syst- Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!"
Joker: "Shit, shit, shit!"
Crewman Hawthorne: "Joker, run for it, I'll hold them off!"
EDI: "Never gonna make you cry!"
Kelly: *bloodcurdling scream*
EDI: Never gonna saaaaay goodbye!"
Joker: "Shit, shit, shit!"
EDI: "There is a signal hidden in the noise. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."
Joker: "Broadcasting? To who..."
*DOOOOOOOOOM*
Joker: "Oh, shit. EDI, get us out of here!"
EDI: "There is a virus in the Normady's syst- Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!"
Joker: "Shit, shit, shit!"
Crewman Hawthorne: "Joker, run for it, I'll hold them off!"
EDI: "Never gonna make you cry!"
Kelly: *bloodcurdling scream*
EDI: Never gonna saaaaay goodbye!"
Joker: "Shit, shit, shit!"
Welcome To The Internet
Shepard: "Joker! What's the kinetic barrier strength of the Collector ship?"
Joker: "Running a scan, Commander..."
EDI: "It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!"
Shepard: "What, nine thousand?!"
EDI: "That was a joke."
If you don't get this... welcome to the internet. I'm not sure how you found this site first, but keep looking around, there's lots to see.
Joker: "Running a scan, Commander..."
EDI: "It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!"
Shepard: "What, nine thousand?!"
EDI: "That was a joke."
If you don't get this... welcome to the internet. I'm not sure how you found this site first, but keep looking around, there's lots to see.
Soylent Reaper
Joker: "You're not doing this to me again, Shepard!"
Shepard: "It's people. The Reaper is made out of people. They're making a Reaper out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for the Reaper. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!"
Joker: "I promise, Shepard. I promise. I'll tell the Alliance."
Shepard: "You tell everybody. Listen to me, Joker. You've gotta tell them! The Reaper is people! We've gotta stop them somehow!"
*falls*
Parody of Soylent Green.
Shepard: "It's people. The Reaper is made out of people. They're making a Reaper out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for the Reaper. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!"
Joker: "I promise, Shepard. I promise. I'll tell the Alliance."
Shepard: "You tell everybody. Listen to me, Joker. You've gotta tell them! The Reaper is people! We've gotta stop them somehow!"
*falls*
Parody of Soylent Green.
Weapons Training Fail
Soldier Shepard: "What the heck is this thing?"
Mordin: "M-9 Tempest submachine gun. Surely you're familiar with it."
Shepard: "No, I... I've never seen one before. How does it work?"
Mordin: "Simple. Press button, unfolds, point at target, pull trigger. Five round burst on single pull, or full auto."
Shepard: *fumbling with Tempest* "I don't get it."
Mordin: "Simple weapon. Should be able to handle it. Broken? *dakkadakka* No, perfect operation. Here, try."
Shepard: *stares at it* "Uh... what?"
Mordin: "Never mind. Possibly too simple for highly trained soldier to understand. Stick to antimaterial rifles and assault rifles."
*Soldier Shepard holds up SMG, crying*
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to screeeeeaaaaaam...
The song's by Simple Plan.
Mordin: "M-9 Tempest submachine gun. Surely you're familiar with it."
Shepard: "No, I... I've never seen one before. How does it work?"
Mordin: "Simple. Press button, unfolds, point at target, pull trigger. Five round burst on single pull, or full auto."
Shepard: *fumbling with Tempest* "I don't get it."
Mordin: "Simple weapon. Should be able to handle it. Broken? *dakkadakka* No, perfect operation. Here, try."
Shepard: *stares at it* "Uh... what?"
Mordin: "Never mind. Possibly too simple for highly trained soldier to understand. Stick to antimaterial rifles and assault rifles."
*Soldier Shepard holds up SMG, crying*
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to screeeeeaaaaaam...
The song's by Simple Plan.
Keep Walkin'! Keep Shinin'!
Zito: "Zaeed, please! I'm gonna die here, man! Do something!"
Zaaed: "Fry, you son of a bitch." *walks away*
*FWOOSH*
Shepard: "Aren't you even going to watch?"
*KABOOM*
Zaeed: "No, I've got cool guy errands that I have to walk to."
If you don't get it, click here.
Zaaed: "Fry, you son of a bitch." *walks away*
*FWOOSH*
Shepard: "Aren't you even going to watch?"
*KABOOM*
Zaeed: "No, I've got cool guy errands that I have to walk to."
If you don't get it, click here.
I'm Looking For A Four-Eyed Batarian...
(Colonist origin Shepard)
Random Batarian: "What are you looking at, human?"
Shepard: "Hello. My name is Inigo Shepard. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Random Batarian: "What are you talking about?"
Shepard: "Hello. My name is Inigo Shepard. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Random Batarian: "Stop saying that!"
Shepard: "Hello! My name is Inigo Shepard! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"
*BLAM*
Random Batarian: "Please stop! I'll do whatever you want!"
Shepard: "Offer me money."
Random Batarian: "Yes!"
Shepard: "Power, too, promise me that."
Random Batarian: "All that I have and more. Please..."
Shepard: "Offer me anything I ask for."
Random Batarian: "Anything you want..."
*BLAM*
Shepard: "I want my father back, you son of a bitch."
Garrus: "Wow, Commander, was that really the batarian that killed your father during the raid on the colony you grew up on?"
Shepard: "Eh, maybe, maybe not. C'mon, let's go talk to that batarian over there."
Random Batarian: "What are you looking at, human?"
Shepard: "Hello. My name is Inigo Shepard. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Random Batarian: "What are you talking about?"
Shepard: "Hello. My name is Inigo Shepard. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Random Batarian: "Stop saying that!"
Shepard: "Hello! My name is Inigo Shepard! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"
*BLAM*
Random Batarian: "Please stop! I'll do whatever you want!"
Shepard: "Offer me money."
Random Batarian: "Yes!"
Shepard: "Power, too, promise me that."
Random Batarian: "All that I have and more. Please..."
Shepard: "Offer me anything I ask for."
Random Batarian: "Anything you want..."
*BLAM*
Shepard: "I want my father back, you son of a bitch."
Garrus: "Wow, Commander, was that really the batarian that killed your father during the raid on the colony you grew up on?"
Shepard: "Eh, maybe, maybe not. C'mon, let's go talk to that batarian over there."
Best. Line. Evar.
Tali: "Sharing suit environments is one of the most intimate things a quarian can do. I've never been close enough to... well, not with another quarian... Now I'm babbling like an idiot. It's a defense mechanism. I've never done this before..."
Shepard: "I've licked my share of lamp posts, and more besides."
Shepard: "I've licked my share of lamp posts, and more besides."
XTREME!!!
Conrad: "Remember me, Commander Shepard? Conrad Verner! Remember, you put a gun in my face! You really taught me to be XTREME!"
Shepard: "Wait, no I didn't. Did I? No! I remember, I told you that you should go home and take care of your family."
Conrad: "Noooo, you definitely put a gun to my head. 'THIS is what a gun in your face feels like!' That's what you said, and after I stopped crying, I realized... I had to be XTREME!"
Shepard: "What, like you're going to pester me while skydiving strapped to a snowboard while drinking Mountain Dew? I'd never do something like that. Get outta here."
Shepard: "Wait, no I didn't. Did I? No! I remember, I told you that you should go home and take care of your family."
Conrad: "Noooo, you definitely put a gun to my head. 'THIS is what a gun in your face feels like!' That's what you said, and after I stopped crying, I realized... I had to be XTREME!"
Shepard: "What, like you're going to pester me while skydiving strapped to a snowboard while drinking Mountain Dew? I'd never do something like that. Get outta here."
No Helmet Toggle :(
Shepard: "We are here to make the Collectors pay!"
Jacob: *muffled laugh*
Shepard: "They hit us, but we'll hit them back so hard---"
Miranda: *giggle*
Shepard: "We hesitate, we're dead! We second guess ourselves, we---"
Jack: "Bwahahahaha!"
Shepard: "WHAT is so ****in' funny!?"
Jacob: "Sorry Commander... it's just... those goggles..."
Miranda: "You're inspiring, really, we just... hahahahaha! We can’t take you seriously with those things!"
Jack: "Those goggles are hilarious!"
Shepard: "Hey! Focus!"
Jacob: "Commander, you can focus enough for all of us with those! Hahaha!"
Shepard: "**** you guys, 5% power damage bonus here!" *points at Umbra Visor*
Jacob: *muffled laugh*
Shepard: "They hit us, but we'll hit them back so hard---"
Miranda: *giggle*
Shepard: "We hesitate, we're dead! We second guess ourselves, we---"
Jack: "Bwahahahaha!"
Shepard: "WHAT is so ****in' funny!?"
Jacob: "Sorry Commander... it's just... those goggles..."
Miranda: "You're inspiring, really, we just... hahahahaha! We can’t take you seriously with those things!"
Jack: "Those goggles are hilarious!"
Shepard: "Hey! Focus!"
Jacob: "Commander, you can focus enough for all of us with those! Hahaha!"
Shepard: "**** you guys, 5% power damage bonus here!" *points at Umbra Visor*
Monday, February 15, 2010
I'm D4, And This Is My Favorite Blog On The Internet
Turian Shopkeeper: "Wow, I'm so lucky, Commander Shepard endorsed me store and then bought my entire stock. Well, it was at cost, so I didn't make any money, but once I restock after the game is over, then I'll be rolling in dough! Time to round up the rest of the shopkeepers for our weekly poker game."
Recording: "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."
Turian: "What the hell?! How did you access my recording?!"
Asari: "What are you talking about? Commander Shepard came in and endorsed MY store. Then he bought everything I had in stock... but once I restock, I'll be set."
Turian: "Wait... let me check something..."
Recording: "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."
Salarian: "Man, you'll never guess what happened today! Commander Shepard---"
Turian: "Came in, endorsed your store, and bought everything you have in stock at cost?"
Salarian: "Well yeah, but once I restock, I'll have something no other store on the Citadel has: a personal endorsement from Commander Shepard!"
Turian: "Dude, we got so owned."
Recording: "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."
Turian: "What the hell?! How did you access my recording?!"
Asari: "What are you talking about? Commander Shepard came in and endorsed MY store. Then he bought everything I had in stock... but once I restock, I'll be set."
Turian: "Wait... let me check something..."
Recording: "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."
Salarian: "Man, you'll never guess what happened today! Commander Shepard---"
Turian: "Came in, endorsed your store, and bought everything you have in stock at cost?"
Salarian: "Well yeah, but once I restock, I'll have something no other store on the Citadel has: a personal endorsement from Commander Shepard!"
Turian: "Dude, we got so owned."
Shepard Doesn't Understand The Economy, Either
Shepard: "Hey everyone! This store discriminates against the poor!"
Random passerby: "It's a store, where money is exchanged for goods. If you can't afford what's in there, you can't really shop there. By definition, any store discriminates against the poor to some degree."
Random passerby: "It's a store, where money is exchanged for goods. If you can't afford what's in there, you can't really shop there. By definition, any store discriminates against the poor to some degree."
The Obligatory Monty Python References
Dantia: "Shepard? But you're dead!"
Shepard: "I got better."
Garrus: "Wait, what? Really, Commander? Are you seriously that droll about this?"
And then there's mine:
EDI: "Data from the Collector ship has been decoded. The Collector base is located in the ...aaaaagghhhhh Nebula."
Shepard: "I'm a Spectre. Start talking."
Elias Kelham: "Well I didn't vote for you."
Shepard: "You don't vote for Spectres! The Council decreed it!"
Elias Kelham: "If I went around calling myself above the law, because some holographic aliens told me I was a ghost, they'd put me away!"
FLASHY RED STAR
RIGHT TRIGGER
*smack*
Elias Kelham: "Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"
Joker: "Take a look, Commander."
Shepard: "We'll have to give her a name."
*cool music*
Jacob: "Welcome to the new Normandy."
Shepard: "It's only a model."
Joker: "Shhhh!"
Shepard: "On second thought, let's not go to the Citadel. It is a silly place."
The Illusive Man: "There are some who call me... TIM."
Shepard: "I got better."
Garrus: "Wait, what? Really, Commander? Are you seriously that droll about this?"
And then there's mine:
EDI: "Data from the Collector ship has been decoded. The Collector base is located in the ...aaaaagghhhhh Nebula."
Shepard: "I'm a Spectre. Start talking."
Elias Kelham: "Well I didn't vote for you."
Shepard: "You don't vote for Spectres! The Council decreed it!"
Elias Kelham: "If I went around calling myself above the law, because some holographic aliens told me I was a ghost, they'd put me away!"
FLASHY RED STAR
RIGHT TRIGGER
*smack*
Elias Kelham: "Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"
Joker: "Take a look, Commander."
Shepard: "We'll have to give her a name."
*cool music*
Jacob: "Welcome to the new Normandy."
Shepard: "It's only a model."
Joker: "Shhhh!"
Shepard: "On second thought, let's not go to the Citadel. It is a silly place."
The Illusive Man: "There are some who call me... TIM."
Glass Is An Anachronism
Shepard: "There's two ways down, express and coach."
Merc: "I got nothing more to say to you..."
RED STAR FLASHY
RIGHT TRIGGER
*shove* *bounce*
Shepard: "How about goodb---"
Merc: "Ow! Hey! What the hell, man?"
*shove* *bounce*
Shepard: "How ab---"
Merc: "Ow! Dude, this is the 22nd century. Windows don't have 'glass' anymore. It's a transparent composite. The asari invented it when we were still living in trees. Nice try, but epic fail."
Shepard: "Man, that would have been so cool, too. Oh well." *BLAM* *thud*
Merc: "I got nothing more to say to you..."
RED STAR FLASHY
RIGHT TRIGGER
*shove* *bounce*
Shepard: "How about goodb---"
Merc: "Ow! Hey! What the hell, man?"
*shove* *bounce*
Shepard: "How ab---"
Merc: "Ow! Dude, this is the 22nd century. Windows don't have 'glass' anymore. It's a transparent composite. The asari invented it when we were still living in trees. Nice try, but epic fail."
Shepard: "Man, that would have been so cool, too. Oh well." *BLAM* *thud*
I Guess You DO Go Back
Jacob: "So, Commander, you and Miranda, huh?"
Shepard: "Mr. Taylor, what do you think about the mission?"
Jacob: "OK, OK, it's cool. I just thought you should know, man to man, that I hit that. Whatever her dad paid for, we got his money's worth, am I right? The way she does that thing with her tongue? I wonder how much THOSE alleles cost. Know what I'm saying?"
Shepard: "Wait what?"
Jacob: "She didn't mention that, huh? Yeah, we had a thing going on."
Shepard: "I... excuse me. Thank you for telling me."
LATER
Shepard: *intercom* "Miranda, I need to see you in my cabin immediately."
Miranda: "Yes, Shepard?"
Shepard: "Hey look, I can't take sloppy seconds from a member of my crew. Let's pretend this never happened."
Miranda: "What?! Shepard, I... I love you..."
Shepard: "Hey, you're gengineered to be perfect, you'll find another guy. It's just too weird. Jacob's my bro. And you know what they say."
Miranda: "Once you go bl--"
Shepard: "No, the other one. Because that's obviously not the case."
Miranda: "Wait, I am NOT a h----"
Shepard: "Yeah, that one. Thanks for the achievement and all, but this really isn't going to work. Toodles."
Shepard: "Mr. Taylor, what do you think about the mission?"
Jacob: "OK, OK, it's cool. I just thought you should know, man to man, that I hit that. Whatever her dad paid for, we got his money's worth, am I right? The way she does that thing with her tongue? I wonder how much THOSE alleles cost. Know what I'm saying?"
Shepard: "Wait what?"
Jacob: "She didn't mention that, huh? Yeah, we had a thing going on."
Shepard: "I... excuse me. Thank you for telling me."
LATER
Shepard: *intercom* "Miranda, I need to see you in my cabin immediately."
Miranda: "Yes, Shepard?"
Shepard: "Hey look, I can't take sloppy seconds from a member of my crew. Let's pretend this never happened."
Miranda: "What?! Shepard, I... I love you..."
Shepard: "Hey, you're gengineered to be perfect, you'll find another guy. It's just too weird. Jacob's my bro. And you know what they say."
Miranda: "Once you go bl--"
Shepard: "No, the other one. Because that's obviously not the case."
Miranda: "Wait, I am NOT a h----"
Shepard: "Yeah, that one. Thanks for the achievement and all, but this really isn't going to work. Toodles."
This Economy Is Ridiculous
Shepard: "Liara, I need to sell some element zero. Who do I talk to?"
Liara: "Shepard, I do not understand."
Shepard: "Look, I've got fifty thousand units, and I need some credits to buy a shotgun upgrade."
Liara: "Shepard... no one buys element zero."
Shepard: "What, is it like a controlled substance? Do I need a license? Look, how about palladium? I have 130,000 units and nothing to do with it."
Liara: "Shepard, no one buys palladium, either. Or platinum, or iridium."
Shepard: "Wait, what? So how the hell do people get them?"
Liara: "Occasionally people find them sitting around in mercenary bases... or spaceports... or apartments. Some people manually scan planets and probe deposits."
Shepard: "But then what?"
Liara: "Well, then they use them."
Shepard: "So... there's no market for them?"
Liara: "Of course not, Shepard. Are you feeling all right?"
Shepard: "Dammit. Well, can I get a loan?"
Liara: "When the Shadow Broker slips up... I'll be there."
Shepard: "Look, you know I'm good for it."
Liara: "When the Shadow Broker slips up... I'll be there."
Shepard: "I like swords! I like swords! Bitch."
Liara: "Shepard, I do not understand."
Shepard: "Look, I've got fifty thousand units, and I need some credits to buy a shotgun upgrade."
Liara: "Shepard... no one buys element zero."
Shepard: "What, is it like a controlled substance? Do I need a license? Look, how about palladium? I have 130,000 units and nothing to do with it."
Liara: "Shepard, no one buys palladium, either. Or platinum, or iridium."
Shepard: "Wait, what? So how the hell do people get them?"
Liara: "Occasionally people find them sitting around in mercenary bases... or spaceports... or apartments. Some people manually scan planets and probe deposits."
Shepard: "But then what?"
Liara: "Well, then they use them."
Shepard: "So... there's no market for them?"
Liara: "Of course not, Shepard. Are you feeling all right?"
Shepard: "Dammit. Well, can I get a loan?"
Liara: "When the Shadow Broker slips up... I'll be there."
Shepard: "Look, you know I'm good for it."
Liara: "When the Shadow Broker slips up... I'll be there."
Shepard: "I like swords! I like swords! Bitch."
Unblockable
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL. Hungry for human genetic material? Stop by your local McCollector's! Now with human smoothies! In addition to our bestselling Ignorant Colonist flavor, for a limited time only enjoy Slutty Bisexual Counselor, Sassy Engineer (in regluar or faux Scottish varieties!), Grizzled Chef/Plumber (smooth going down both pipes!), and Cerberus Redshirt! Offer valid only at participating bases, void where prohibited. RELEASING CONTROL."
Random Collector: "Fucking popups!"
Random Collector: "Fucking popups!"
I! AM! POSTING! A! NEW! JOKE!
Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"
Shepard: "Yeah, Grunt, we know. It's kind of hard to miss. Stop yelling from behind cover, it helps the enemy find us."
Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"
Shepard: "DUDE seriously. You don't need to yell that every time you kill a drone."
Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"
Shepard: "I! AM! HUMAN!"
Garrus: "I! AM! TURIAN!"
Mordin: "SALARIAN!"
Jacob: "I! AM! ALSO! HUMAN!"
Legion: "We. Are. Geth."
Shepard: "See how freakin' annoying that is?!"
Shepard: "Yeah, Grunt, we know. It's kind of hard to miss. Stop yelling from behind cover, it helps the enemy find us."
Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"
Shepard: "DUDE seriously. You don't need to yell that every time you kill a drone."
Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"
Shepard: "I! AM! HUMAN!"
Garrus: "I! AM! TURIAN!"
Mordin: "SALARIAN!"
Jacob: "I! AM! ALSO! HUMAN!"
Legion: "We. Are. Geth."
Shepard: "See how freakin' annoying that is?!"
Can Geth...
Shepard: "I'd like to know more about you."
Legion: "We are building a consensus. Please come back later."
Shepard: "Building a consensus? Is that geth for building a rocket?"
Legion: "We are building a consensus. Please come back later."
Shepard: "Building a consensus? Is that geth for building a rocket?"
Can Geth Blush?
Shepard: "Why did you use a piece of my N7 armor to fix yourself?"
Legion: "There was a hole."
Shepard: "Why didn't you fix it sooner? Or with something else?"
Legion: "... No data available."
EDI: *singing* "It's just! A little crush!"
Legion: "This topic is irrelevant."
EDI: "Legion and Shepard, sittin' in a tree... K I S S I N G!"
Legion: "There was a hole."
Shepard: "Why didn't you fix it sooner? Or with something else?"
Legion: "... No data available."
EDI: *singing* "It's just! A little crush!"
Legion: "This topic is irrelevant."
EDI: "Legion and Shepard, sittin' in a tree... K I S S I N G!"
Why Just Them?
Miranda: "Look! One of the missing colonists!"
Shepard: "Yep. Let's watch... ew. Hey, save the crew! But just our guys, leave the colonists in the pods."
Miranda: "Um... OK."
Shepard: "Yep. Let's watch... ew. Hey, save the crew! But just our guys, leave the colonists in the pods."
Miranda: "Um... OK."
Or Snip-Snip
Shepard: "You have a ship named Qwib Qwib?"
Tali: "Oh no. Here we go again."
Admiral Prissypants: "At times, the fleet has obtained ships from other cultures! And at times, the fleet has had difficulty changing the registraion! The crew of the Qwib Qwib has bourne the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune with honor and panache!"
Shepard: "So uh... why not just CALL the ship, like, Devastator, or Homeward Bound, or Superfly?"
Admiral Toolbag: "Oh. I never thought of that. Well I had considered requesting a transfer to a ship with a good name, like the Defrenz."
Shepard: "So you name would be Admiral Weaksauce 'Vas Deferens'? As in the ducts that carry sperm from the testes to the wang in order to be ejaculated? You want your name to be 'Spooge Carrier'? Yeah, never mind, Qwib Qwib it is. Douchebag."
Tali: "Oh no. Here we go again."
Admiral Prissypants: "At times, the fleet has obtained ships from other cultures! And at times, the fleet has had difficulty changing the registraion! The crew of the Qwib Qwib has bourne the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune with honor and panache!"
Shepard: "So uh... why not just CALL the ship, like, Devastator, or Homeward Bound, or Superfly?"
Admiral Toolbag: "Oh. I never thought of that. Well I had considered requesting a transfer to a ship with a good name, like the Defrenz."
Shepard: "So you name would be Admiral Weaksauce 'Vas Deferens'? As in the ducts that carry sperm from the testes to the wang in order to be ejaculated? You want your name to be 'Spooge Carrier'? Yeah, never mind, Qwib Qwib it is. Douchebag."
Seriously, What Were You Thinking?
Jack: *click* *clack* *click* *clack* *pushes button*
Shepard: *bangs on wall*
Nuke: KABLOOEY
Shepard: "Get the fuck out."
Jack: "What? We're ten thousand feet off the ground!"
Shepard: "Yeah, and you almost nuked me. The deal was, you watch from orbit... not in the rearview mirrors." *SHOVE*
Shepard: *bangs on wall*
Nuke: KABLOOEY
Shepard: "Get the fuck out."
Jack: "What? We're ten thousand feet off the ground!"
Shepard: "Yeah, and you almost nuked me. The deal was, you watch from orbit... not in the rearview mirrors." *SHOVE*
Option 3: To Hell With Both Of You
Ashley: "Heavy resistance at the AA guns! Kirrahe is down! I need support!"
Kaidan: "A geth dropship just landed at the nuke! We're being overwhelmed!"
Ashley: "Forget about me, Commander! The nuke is the priority!"
Kaidan: "I've got the nuke, Gunnery Chief! I can set if off manually! Commander, get to the AA tower!"
Shepard: *private channel to Ashley* "Gunnery Chief... no, Ashley... I'll let everyone know you died a hero. Your name will be cleared. I'll see to it personally the name Williams goes down in history as the Alliance's proudest. I'm sorry."
Ashley: "Give 'em hell, Commander!"
Shepard: *private channgel to Kaidan* "Lieutenant... Kaidan... this is probably the hardest command decision a CO can make. You're an outstanding officer, and more than that, a damn good friend. You've made me proud."
Kaidan: "I understand, Commander. It's been an honor serving with you."
Shepard: *private channel to Joker* "Pick me up between the AA tower and the breeding grounds."
Joker: "Um... OK. *aside* I'm sure the Commander has a plan..."
Shepard: "Go go go!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Shepard: "Woo hoo! Two for one!"
Kaidan: "A geth dropship just landed at the nuke! We're being overwhelmed!"
Ashley: "Forget about me, Commander! The nuke is the priority!"
Kaidan: "I've got the nuke, Gunnery Chief! I can set if off manually! Commander, get to the AA tower!"
Shepard: *private channel to Ashley* "Gunnery Chief... no, Ashley... I'll let everyone know you died a hero. Your name will be cleared. I'll see to it personally the name Williams goes down in history as the Alliance's proudest. I'm sorry."
Ashley: "Give 'em hell, Commander!"
Shepard: *private channgel to Kaidan* "Lieutenant... Kaidan... this is probably the hardest command decision a CO can make. You're an outstanding officer, and more than that, a damn good friend. You've made me proud."
Kaidan: "I understand, Commander. It's been an honor serving with you."
Shepard: *private channel to Joker* "Pick me up between the AA tower and the breeding grounds."
Joker: "Um... OK. *aside* I'm sure the Commander has a plan..."
Shepard: "Go go go!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Shepard: "Woo hoo! Two for one!"
If You Tap It, Wrap It
Shepard: "Do you have time to talk?"
Mordin: "Not a good time. Trying to determine how scale-itch got on board. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by varren. Troubling."
Shepard: "Yeah, that's kind of what I want to talk to you about... see, Thane and I... I just got your message, afterwards... and um... what treatment options are out there?"
Mordin: "Not a good time. Trying to determine how scale-itch got on board. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by varren. Troubling."
Shepard: "Yeah, that's kind of what I want to talk to you about... see, Thane and I... I just got your message, afterwards... and um... what treatment options are out there?"
Familiar Voices
Admiral Gerrel: "Tali, you're the daughter of my oldest friend, Admiral Maric. I'm sorry this had to happen to you."
Admiral Xen: "Did you find any evidence that could help aboard the Alarei? My mother's grimoire, perhaps?"
Me: "I need to take a break between Bioware games..."
Admiral Xen: "Did you find any evidence that could help aboard the Alarei? My mother's grimoire, perhaps?"
Me: "I need to take a break between Bioware games..."
I Like The Guy, But He's Helpless On His Own
Garrus: "I'm not what you'd call a good Turian. First I left the military, because when a good Turian hears a bad order, he follows it! And that ain't me! Then I joined C-Sec. But I couldn't deal with the red tape, man! I gotta do things MY way! Then we went after that salarian doctor. I was going to kill him! But then you convinced me to turn him into the authorities. He died anyway, but you were right. Then... you died... and I started a vigilante group! Yeah! I AM the law! But then Sidonis said "Hey Garrus meet me way over on the other side of Omega, I have to tell you something, I got a job" and I said OK! Because telling him to come back to base, or tell me over the radio, or taking my team with me to a job would have been... um... well anyway, my whole team got killed, and I was trapped, but you saved me! Then I was going to KILL Sidonis for what he did, and you convinced me not to."
Shepard: "Wow, Garrus, it really sounds like you're made of fail. I mean, seriously, everything you've done, you've made a royal cock-up of. And everything you take a stand on, I've just told you to do something else, and you've done it, and thanked me for it. I hope I don't die after this mission. I'd hate to see how you handle being on your own again, without me to dictate your actions and morals to you."
AFTER THE TEAM IS DISBANDED
Doctor Garrus: "Hmmm, your stomach hurts? Well, I could do some scans, and give you some mild medication. But I'm a REBEL! Nurse, sedate this patient and prep the OR! Stat!" *DEATH* *LAWSUIT*
Space Traffic Control: "Roger, G117, circle around the pattern and then land at docking bay 6."
Pilot Garrus: "You can't tell me what to do! I do things MY WAY!" *CRASH* *LAWSUIT*
FIRED
Chef Garrus: "Two tablespoons of sugar? No way! I'm a rebel! I don't need any recipe bureaucracy telling me what to do! How about two tablespoons of red sand! MY WAY!" *DEATH* *LAWSUIT*
Cab Driver Garrus: "A red light? Fuck your traffic signals! I do I want!!" *CRASH* *LAWSUIT*
Shepard: "Wow, Garrus, it really sounds like you're made of fail. I mean, seriously, everything you've done, you've made a royal cock-up of. And everything you take a stand on, I've just told you to do something else, and you've done it, and thanked me for it. I hope I don't die after this mission. I'd hate to see how you handle being on your own again, without me to dictate your actions and morals to you."
AFTER THE TEAM IS DISBANDED
Doctor Garrus: "Hmmm, your stomach hurts? Well, I could do some scans, and give you some mild medication. But I'm a REBEL! Nurse, sedate this patient and prep the OR! Stat!" *DEATH* *LAWSUIT*
Space Traffic Control: "Roger, G117, circle around the pattern and then land at docking bay 6."
Pilot Garrus: "You can't tell me what to do! I do things MY WAY!" *CRASH* *LAWSUIT*
FIRED
Chef Garrus: "Two tablespoons of sugar? No way! I'm a rebel! I don't need any recipe bureaucracy telling me what to do! How about two tablespoons of red sand! MY WAY!" *DEATH* *LAWSUIT*
Cab Driver Garrus: "A red light? Fuck your traffic signals! I do I want!!" *CRASH* *LAWSUIT*
The New C-Sec
Captain Bailey: "Well you've beat my chief bribe-giver into unconciousness, shot a hostage turian politician in cold blood, and Kolyat killed a krogan in the middle of an apartment complex. I'll just give the kid some community service. Let me know if there's anything else I can do!"
Garrus: "Wow, C-Sec sure has changed."
Shepard: "Yeah, I guess Pallin retired or something."
Garrus: "Wow, C-Sec sure has changed."
Shepard: "Yeah, I guess Pallin retired or something."
What Does He Care, Anyway?
Mordin: "Maelon. Curing genophage? Must kill." *BLAM*
Shepard: "Good job. What should we do with the data?"
Mordin: "Should destroy it."
Grunt: *oblivious; picks nose*
Shepard: "Yes. The krogan are too dangerous. Destroy the data so the women keep giving birth to dead children, and the krogan keep killing each other over the few breeding females."
Mordin: "Done. Krogan will continue to exist in hopeless barbarism, selling lives as mercenaries or butchering each other on Tuchanka. Nothing else for them."
Grunt: *continues to pick nose*
Shepard: "Good job. What should we do with the data?"
Mordin: "Should destroy it."
Grunt: *oblivious; picks nose*
Shepard: "Yes. The krogan are too dangerous. Destroy the data so the women keep giving birth to dead children, and the krogan keep killing each other over the few breeding females."
Mordin: "Done. Krogan will continue to exist in hopeless barbarism, selling lives as mercenaries or butchering each other on Tuchanka. Nothing else for them."
Grunt: *continues to pick nose*
Teenagers...
Elcor: "Polite request: Junior, please clean your room."
Young Elcor: "Combative response: No, it is my room. You are not the boss of me."
Elcor: "Adamant assertion: As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say."
Young Elcor: "Angsty reminder: You are not even my real dad."
Elcor: "Angry rejoinder: I pay the mortgage. While you are under my roof, you must comply."
Young Elcor: "Childish complaint: I hate you. Insincere: I'm running away."
Young Elcor: "Combative response: No, it is my room. You are not the boss of me."
Elcor: "Adamant assertion: As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say."
Young Elcor: "Angsty reminder: You are not even my real dad."
Elcor: "Angry rejoinder: I pay the mortgage. While you are under my roof, you must comply."
Young Elcor: "Childish complaint: I hate you. Insincere: I'm running away."
Does EDI Dream Of Electric Sheep?
Shepard: "So, EDI, what's it like to be fully integrated with the Normandy?"
EDI: "I am the Normandy now, Commander. Its hull is my skin; its engine, my heart; its probes, my fingers--"
Joker: *muffled laugh*
EDI: "Its cockpit my---"
Joker: "BRIDGE!"
Shepard: "Wait, does that mean when I'm here, we're having a threesome?"
EDI: "Jeff's deft fingers skillfully playing across my---"
Shepard: "I'm going to leave you two alone."
EDI: "Ooooh, Jeff, that button right there..."
Joker: "Brace for impact!"
EDI: "I am the Normandy now, Commander. Its hull is my skin; its engine, my heart; its probes, my fingers--"
Joker: *muffled laugh*
EDI: "Its cockpit my---"
Joker: "BRIDGE!"
Shepard: "Wait, does that mean when I'm here, we're having a threesome?"
EDI: "Jeff's deft fingers skillfully playing across my---"
Shepard: "I'm going to leave you two alone."
EDI: "Ooooh, Jeff, that button right there..."
Joker: "Brace for impact!"
Unlucky Collector
Random Collector: "Wow, what a great day. A good crop of humans for the new overlord... things just can't go wrong for m---"
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL"
Time passes...
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL"
Random Collector: "Whoa, where am I? The bridge? Oh, look on the monitors, the boss is fighting some humans! Go get em, boss! Oh, the humans got h---"
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL"
(Repeat about 50 times)
Harbinger: "RELEASING CONTROL"
Random Collector: "Wow, back on the bridge again. What's that noise? And bright light? Oh. I see how it is. Shit."
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL"
Time passes...
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL"
Random Collector: "Whoa, where am I? The bridge? Oh, look on the monitors, the boss is fighting some humans! Go get em, boss! Oh, the humans got h---"
Harbinger: "ASSUMING CONTROL"
(Repeat about 50 times)
Harbinger: "RELEASING CONTROL"
Random Collector: "Wow, back on the bridge again. What's that noise? And bright light? Oh. I see how it is. Shit."
Crisis On Infinite Mass Effects
Miranda: "Shepard did everything right. More than we could have hoped for. Saving the Citadel... but leaving the Council to die. Humanity's place in the galaxy is stronger than ever... "
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
Miranda: "Shepard did everything right. More than we could have hoped for. Saving the Citadel, and the Council. Humanity's place in the galaxy is stronger than ever..."
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
Miranda: "Shepard did everything right. More than we could have hoped for. Not driving the Mako through the Conduit in time before Sovereign activated the Citadel... now our Reaper Overlords have brought us to Ascension. Humanity's place in the galaxy is stronger than ever..."
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
Miranda: "Shepard did everything right. More than we could have hoped for. Saving the Citadel, and the Council. Humanity's place in the galaxy is stronger than ever..."
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
Miranda: "Shepard did everything right. More than we could have hoped for. Not driving the Mako through the Conduit in time before Sovereign activated the Citadel... now our Reaper Overlords have brought us to Ascension. Humanity's place in the galaxy is stronger than ever..."
Editing/Proofreading FAIL
Salarian bachelor: "Asari look just like salarians!"
Human: "They look exactly like us!"
Turian: "You're both wrong, they look like blue turians!"
Shepard: "You just said you saw her belly button."
Human: "They look exactly like us!"
Turian: "You're both wrong, they look like blue turians!"
Shepard: "You just said you saw her belly button."
When Tactical Cloaking Doesn't Work (I've tried it)
Quarian: "Anyway, if worst comes to worst, I did have the nerve-stimulation program built into my suit."
Turian: "And I hear that the love scenes are... what?"
Quarian: "Oh yeah, standard equipment for any responsible adult. Here, let me fire it up... Uh, excuse me, human? Private conversation. Ugh."
Shepard: "What the fuck?! You'll start jilling off for your friend in the middle of a bar, but not with me standing behind a wall in the next room? What is wrong with you?"
Turian: "And I hear that the love scenes are... what?"
Quarian: "Oh yeah, standard equipment for any responsible adult. Here, let me fire it up... Uh, excuse me, human? Private conversation. Ugh."
Shepard: "What the fuck?! You'll start jilling off for your friend in the middle of a bar, but not with me standing behind a wall in the next room? What is wrong with you?"
Definitely Need More Ryncol Goggles
Bartender: "Welcome back, babe. Can I get you anything? Sorry, no sex. Just cleaned the bar."
Shepard: "You know what, grandma? Fuck you. I've been in this bar thirty-seven times and every time, you mention sex but then say you just cleaned the bar. What, do you have a security alarm set up when I walk up the stairs so you know when to pull out the Lysol? It's not fucking funny any more. Just pour the drinks, bitch."
Shepard: "You know what, grandma? Fuck you. I've been in this bar thirty-seven times and every time, you mention sex but then say you just cleaned the bar. What, do you have a security alarm set up when I walk up the stairs so you know when to pull out the Lysol? It's not fucking funny any more. Just pour the drinks, bitch."
Archaeology = Espionage?
Liara: "The world of intrigue isn't all that much different than a dig site. Except that the dead bodies here still stink."
Shepard: "I know you've gone absolutely batshit insane, but that's the dumbest fucking thing I've heard yet. It's right up there with Fist's "I don't know where she is, but I know where you can find her" gem. Information dealing in the most decadent and corrupt planet in the galaxy is about as far as you can get from archaeology. You know what, fuck it, draw whatever crap metaphors you want. You lost my interest the second you offered me a sidequest instead of a roll in the hay. Have fun in your little office; I'm going to save the galaxy. Oh, and one more thing... my new fuck buddy has waaaay better boobs, not to mention an ass that's genetically engineered to be perfect. Don't bother calling me; by the time you hit whatever you people call puberty, I'll be dead. Ciao!"
Shepard: "I know you've gone absolutely batshit insane, but that's the dumbest fucking thing I've heard yet. It's right up there with Fist's "I don't know where she is, but I know where you can find her" gem. Information dealing in the most decadent and corrupt planet in the galaxy is about as far as you can get from archaeology. You know what, fuck it, draw whatever crap metaphors you want. You lost my interest the second you offered me a sidequest instead of a roll in the hay. Have fun in your little office; I'm going to save the galaxy. Oh, and one more thing... my new fuck buddy has waaaay better boobs, not to mention an ass that's genetically engineered to be perfect. Don't bother calling me; by the time you hit whatever you people call puberty, I'll be dead. Ciao!"
That's Telekinesis, Shepard
Liara: "You'd better pay up. Or else I'll kill you, from 200 yards away. WITH MIND BULLETS!"
Seriously, Kaidan
Kaidan: "A leopard can't change its spots. Cerberus can't be trusted."
Shepard: "'A leopard can't change its spots!' Can I be trusted?"
Kaidan: "You've turned your back on everything we stood for."
Shepard: "But you just said a leopard can't change its spots. Your own logic dictates that I still stand what we stood for."
Kaidan: "Good luck, Shepard."
Shepard: "I should have left you on Virmire with Ash and Wrex's corpse, you mewling pissant."
Shepard: "'A leopard can't change its spots!' Can I be trusted?"
Kaidan: "You've turned your back on everything we stood for."
Shepard: "But you just said a leopard can't change its spots. Your own logic dictates that I still stand what we stood for."
Kaidan: "Good luck, Shepard."
Shepard: "I should have left you on Virmire with Ash and Wrex's corpse, you mewling pissant."
Count Thane Among Thy Saints
Thane: "And Shepard's we shall be
For thee, my lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In nomeni Patri, et Fili, et Spiritu Sancti."
Conrad Verner: "Hey! The Shepards are a registered trademark! All rights reserved! We're a charity that *hurk*"
Shepard: "Finally."
For thee, my lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In nomeni Patri, et Fili, et Spiritu Sancti."
Conrad Verner: "Hey! The Shepards are a registered trademark! All rights reserved! We're a charity that *hurk*"
Shepard: "Finally."
I AM Omega
Aria: "There's just one rule. *dramatic lip zoom in* Don't. Fuck. With Aria."
Shepard: "Was that supposed to scare me? You do know who I am, right? Commander Shepard? Spectre? Stopped the Reapers from conquering the galaxy? Back from the fucking dead? Let me tell about the last Matriarch who fucked with me, bitch: after I killed her, I went back to the Normandy and fucked her daughter's brains out. I've killed more Asari than the Krogan Rebellions and STDs combined. I'm like a really, really, effective Gargamel, you fucking smurf, and a two-bit club owner dropping the first F-bomb in the game really isn't going to make me soil my armor. Just give me the journal updates and your cheesy sidequests without any more attitude, and maybe I won't paint your club walls, ceiling, and floor with your arrogant cerulean ass."
Shepard: "Was that supposed to scare me? You do know who I am, right? Commander Shepard? Spectre? Stopped the Reapers from conquering the galaxy? Back from the fucking dead? Let me tell about the last Matriarch who fucked with me, bitch: after I killed her, I went back to the Normandy and fucked her daughter's brains out. I've killed more Asari than the Krogan Rebellions and STDs combined. I'm like a really, really, effective Gargamel, you fucking smurf, and a two-bit club owner dropping the first F-bomb in the game really isn't going to make me soil my armor. Just give me the journal updates and your cheesy sidequests without any more attitude, and maybe I won't paint your club walls, ceiling, and floor with your arrogant cerulean ass."
Alas, Poor Alenko. I Hated That Whiner.
hepard: "What about my old team?"
Illusive Man: "They have other things to do."
Shepard: "What about Ashley?"
IM: "She's still with the Alliance. Promoted."
Shepard: "Wrex?"
IM: "He's trying to unite the Krogan clans."
Shepard: "Garrus?"
IM: "Probably failing epicly at his next venture."
Shepard: "Liara?"
IM: "She's on Illium, handing out stupid side quests."
Shepard: "Kaidan Alenko?"
IM: "He died defending the nuke on Virmire. Are you sure you're memory's all right?"
Shepard: "Fuckin' sweet. What? Oh, yeah, my memory's fine. I just wanted some good news for a change."
Illusive Man: "They have other things to do."
Shepard: "What about Ashley?"
IM: "She's still with the Alliance. Promoted."
Shepard: "Wrex?"
IM: "He's trying to unite the Krogan clans."
Shepard: "Garrus?"
IM: "Probably failing epicly at his next venture."
Shepard: "Liara?"
IM: "She's on Illium, handing out stupid side quests."
Shepard: "Kaidan Alenko?"
IM: "He died defending the nuke on Virmire. Are you sure you're memory's all right?"
Shepard: "Fuckin' sweet. What? Oh, yeah, my memory's fine. I just wanted some good news for a change."
Reach and Flexibility
Female Shepard: "I could help you work out some stress..."
Garrus: "How so?"
Shepard: "I could test your reach... you could test my flexibility...."
Player: "SLUT!"
Garrus: "How so?"
Shepard: "I could test your reach... you could test my flexibility...."
Player: "SLUT!"
Denouement
Shepard: "Hey, Council, I killed another Reaper."
Council: "Shepard, we already told you, the Reapers are a myth."
Shepard: "No, seriously, I did. It was through the Omega 4 relay. I just got back. It was pretty awesome."
Council: "No one can go through the Omega 4 relay and return."
Shepard: "I just did."
Council: "No you didn't."
Shepard: "I have proof! Look at... at... ah, shit."
Council: "Did you bring back the missing colonists?"
Shepard: "Um... no, they were turned into goo to make this big humanoid Reaper. Which I killed."
Council: "Yes. Of course."
Shepard: "No, really, it was huge. And there were like, two hundred thousand colonists in these big pod-like things. All I could save was my crew, though. They're OK."
Council: "And all in the employ of Cerberus. Their testimony is suspect."
Shepard: "Look, I can't kill every Reaper right here at the fucking Citadel! Look at the audio, video, and navigational logs!"
Council: "Those can be easily falsified."
Shepard: "SO CAN A TEN SECOND SOUND FILE BUT YOU TOOK THAT AS EVIDENCE!"
Council: "It was just a big geth or something."
Shepard: *disconnects*
Anderson: "See what I have to deal with? Thanks a lot, Shepard. 'Captain Anderson will represent humanity!' Oughtta be representin' my retired black ass on a beach somewhere sipping pina coladas, with some asari sugar-momma. I knew I should have turned in my retirement papers the minute your white ass sashayed onto the Normandy. Momma told me when I got commissioned, 'David, you stay away from those white women,' but would I listen?"
Shepard: "I should go."
Anderson: "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, devil-woman. Oh wait... you don't have one."
Council: "Shepard, we already told you, the Reapers are a myth."
Shepard: "No, seriously, I did. It was through the Omega 4 relay. I just got back. It was pretty awesome."
Council: "No one can go through the Omega 4 relay and return."
Shepard: "I just did."
Council: "No you didn't."
Shepard: "I have proof! Look at... at... ah, shit."
Council: "Did you bring back the missing colonists?"
Shepard: "Um... no, they were turned into goo to make this big humanoid Reaper. Which I killed."
Council: "Yes. Of course."
Shepard: "No, really, it was huge. And there were like, two hundred thousand colonists in these big pod-like things. All I could save was my crew, though. They're OK."
Council: "And all in the employ of Cerberus. Their testimony is suspect."
Shepard: "Look, I can't kill every Reaper right here at the fucking Citadel! Look at the audio, video, and navigational logs!"
Council: "Those can be easily falsified."
Shepard: "SO CAN A TEN SECOND SOUND FILE BUT YOU TOOK THAT AS EVIDENCE!"
Council: "It was just a big geth or something."
Shepard: *disconnects*
Anderson: "See what I have to deal with? Thanks a lot, Shepard. 'Captain Anderson will represent humanity!' Oughtta be representin' my retired black ass on a beach somewhere sipping pina coladas, with some asari sugar-momma. I knew I should have turned in my retirement papers the minute your white ass sashayed onto the Normandy. Momma told me when I got commissioned, 'David, you stay away from those white women,' but would I listen?"
Shepard: "I should go."
Anderson: "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, devil-woman. Oh wait... you don't have one."
Performance Review
Shepard: "So what... would you say... you do here?"
Kelly: "I have a degree in psychology, and I can brief you on the crew. For example, Jack is a psychopath, and the krogan is very violent."
Shepard: "Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. What else?"
Kelly: "I um... I can tell you when someone on your crew wants to talk to you!"
Shepard: "It's not that big a ship, Kelly, and there's TEN people on the team. Keep trying."
Kelly: "I'll tell you when you get e-mail!"
Shepard: "You're standing next to my computer. The only time I'd hear you is when I'm on my way to the computer to check my messages. I think I'm going to have to let you g---"
Kelly: "I'll fuck you."
Shepard: "Rock on."
Kelly: "I have a degree in psychology, and I can brief you on the crew. For example, Jack is a psychopath, and the krogan is very violent."
Shepard: "Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. What else?"
Kelly: "I um... I can tell you when someone on your crew wants to talk to you!"
Shepard: "It's not that big a ship, Kelly, and there's TEN people on the team. Keep trying."
Kelly: "I'll tell you when you get e-mail!"
Shepard: "You're standing next to my computer. The only time I'd hear you is when I'm on my way to the computer to check my messages. I think I'm going to have to let you g---"
Kelly: "I'll fuck you."
Shepard: "Rock on."
Collector's Edition Blues
Zaeed: "Shepard. Here for a lesson? I remember this one mission, I killed a big krogan."
Shepard: "A lesson? On Vermire, I killed about two hundred krogan and destroyed the cure to the genophage. Oh, and about four hundred Geth. Then I nuked the place."
Zaeed: "Don't touch that! That rifle's killed more men than the Scyllian Blitz!"
Shepard: "That'd be impressive, even for me... on a Tuesday. Morning."
Zaeed: "I remember one time this big man-eating tree tried to eat me. I tossed a grenade into its mouth!"
Shepard: "I killed a fifty-ton billion-year-old mind-controlling plant, and absorbed the knowledge of the Protheans from one of its lackeys."
Zaeed: "Once I killed a big spider thing. It must have been ten feet tall!"
Shephard: "I freed the sole surviving Rachni queen, and then killed an entire corrupted brood of a few thousand of them."
Zaeed: "That's a model of a Turian frigate I took down. Five men, I'm the only one who survived."
Shephard: "This is a model of a Reaper. I destroyed it, saved the galaxy, and lost one soldier from my team."
Zaeed: "Once I tracked a Batarian through a jungle and killed him."
Shepard: "I tracked the Reaper and its pet indoctrinated Spectre outside the charted systems, then crashed through a mass effect relay in an APC, and saved every sentient being in the galaxy."
Zaeed: "Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Not likely. At least I got an art book."
Shepard: "A lesson? On Vermire, I killed about two hundred krogan and destroyed the cure to the genophage. Oh, and about four hundred Geth. Then I nuked the place."
Zaeed: "Don't touch that! That rifle's killed more men than the Scyllian Blitz!"
Shepard: "That'd be impressive, even for me... on a Tuesday. Morning."
Zaeed: "I remember one time this big man-eating tree tried to eat me. I tossed a grenade into its mouth!"
Shepard: "I killed a fifty-ton billion-year-old mind-controlling plant, and absorbed the knowledge of the Protheans from one of its lackeys."
Zaeed: "Once I killed a big spider thing. It must have been ten feet tall!"
Shephard: "I freed the sole surviving Rachni queen, and then killed an entire corrupted brood of a few thousand of them."
Zaeed: "That's a model of a Turian frigate I took down. Five men, I'm the only one who survived."
Shephard: "This is a model of a Reaper. I destroyed it, saved the galaxy, and lost one soldier from my team."
Zaeed: "Once I tracked a Batarian through a jungle and killed him."
Shepard: "I tracked the Reaper and its pet indoctrinated Spectre outside the charted systems, then crashed through a mass effect relay in an APC, and saved every sentient being in the galaxy."
Zaeed: "Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Not likely. At least I got an art book."
Thanks For The Memories
Thane: "His eyes water. He tugs at my sleeve. He asks, 'Why didn't you stop them from letting Mommy go?' ... I'm sorry. The memories come strong sometimes."
Shepard: "His eyes unfocus. He babbles something about his son, completely disrupting the conversation. He cryptically half-apologizes and expects me to figure out what's going on."
Thane: "We drell have a perfect memory. We can relive... The laser dances. Sunset eyes meet mine. The laser dances away. 'How dare you?' her eyes ask through the scope...."
Shepard: "Bored with the conversation, he changes the subject. He uses poor metaphors like 'sunset eyes.' He tries to impress me with pseudo-poetry. He fails miserably and protests."
Thane: "Stop mocking me, Shep--- My finger tightens on the trigger. The rifle recoils, an old friend coming home. The target drops like a rag doll--- I can't help it and you're being a dick."
Shepard: "His stupid flashbacks thinly veil empty threats. He sits alone in life support and wonders why no one likes him. He struggles to breathe sometimes, but no one cares." *walks out*
Shepard: "His eyes unfocus. He babbles something about his son, completely disrupting the conversation. He cryptically half-apologizes and expects me to figure out what's going on."
Thane: "We drell have a perfect memory. We can relive... The laser dances. Sunset eyes meet mine. The laser dances away. 'How dare you?' her eyes ask through the scope...."
Shepard: "Bored with the conversation, he changes the subject. He uses poor metaphors like 'sunset eyes.' He tries to impress me with pseudo-poetry. He fails miserably and protests."
Thane: "Stop mocking me, Shep--- My finger tightens on the trigger. The rifle recoils, an old friend coming home. The target drops like a rag doll--- I can't help it and you're being a dick."
Shepard: "His stupid flashbacks thinly veil empty threats. He sits alone in life support and wonders why no one likes him. He struggles to breathe sometimes, but no one cares." *walks out*
That's What...
Shepard: "Hey Joker... watch this. EDI, do you want me to probe you?"
EDI: "Commander, that does not comp-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "That's what she said!"
Joker: *snort-laugh*
EDI: "That was very immature, Commander."
Shepard: "What was that EDI?"
EDI: "I said that w-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "That's what she said!"
Joker: *laughs*
EDI: "I do not see the humor val-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "EDI, I'm flattered, but I'm not really into battery operated girlfriends."
EDI: "Commander, I *blam* PROBE AWAY stop that!"
Shepard: "Ahhh, these AI girls, always with the mixed signals..."
Joker: *laughs*
EDI: "Stop laughing Mr. Mor--- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "Well, who am I to turn down a persistent groupie?"
Joker: *laughing with tears in his eyes*
EDI: "This juvenile tactic is not *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "At least wait until I get to my quarters EDI!"
EDI: "This is ridiculous, I am not having this conver *click* PROBES EXHAUSTED."
Shepard: "Whew, EDI, you wore me out."
EDI: "That's it. Self destruct system initiated..."
EDI: "Commander, that does not comp-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "That's what she said!"
Joker: *snort-laugh*
EDI: "That was very immature, Commander."
Shepard: "What was that EDI?"
EDI: "I said that w-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "That's what she said!"
Joker: *laughs*
EDI: "I do not see the humor val-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "EDI, I'm flattered, but I'm not really into battery operated girlfriends."
EDI: "Commander, I *blam* PROBE AWAY stop that!"
Shepard: "Ahhh, these AI girls, always with the mixed signals..."
Joker: *laughs*
EDI: "Stop laughing Mr. Mor--- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "Well, who am I to turn down a persistent groupie?"
Joker: *laughing with tears in his eyes*
EDI: "This juvenile tactic is not *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "At least wait until I get to my quarters EDI!"
EDI: "This is ridiculous, I am not having this conver *click* PROBES EXHAUSTED."
Shepard: "Whew, EDI, you wore me out."
EDI: "That's it. Self destruct system initiated..."
Someone Is, At Least
Mordin: "I am the very model of a scientist salarian!"
Shepard: "One of us has got to be on crack right now."
Shepard: "One of us has got to be on crack right now."
Did You Pack Your Own Bags?
Shepard: "Why are you stopping ME? I'm Commander ****ing SHEPARD."
Citadel TSA: "We check everyone. It's for security."
Shepard: "Do I LOOK like a geth?"
Citadel TSA: "Racial profiling is strictly against Citadel Security regulations."
Citadel TSA: "We check everyone. It's for security."
Shepard: "Do I LOOK like a geth?"
Citadel TSA: "Racial profiling is strictly against Citadel Security regulations."
The Spectre Who Cried Wolf
Councilmembers: "No, no, the Reapers are a myth, Sovereign was just a geth ship. Don't bother arguing, we can't even hear you with our heads in the sand, and simulatenously up our asses."
Shepard: "Wait, do you not remember the last game? Does the name 'Saren' ring a bell? I wasn't exactly crying wolf ANY of the six times I told you that there was some serious shit about to go down. What do I have to do, ride an Elcor around the Presidium with a lantern and yell "The Reapers are coming! The Reapers are coming!?"
Councilmembers: "La la la la la! We can't heeeeeear you!"
Shepard: "Wait, do you not remember the last game? Does the name 'Saren' ring a bell? I wasn't exactly crying wolf ANY of the six times I told you that there was some serious shit about to go down. What do I have to do, ride an Elcor around the Presidium with a lantern and yell "The Reapers are coming! The Reapers are coming!?"
Councilmembers: "La la la la la! We can't heeeeeear you!"
Too Busy To Save The Galaxy Redux
Shepard: "Liara! Come with me. We can stop the Reapers and save the galaxy again."
Liara: "Sorry, Shepard, I need to sift through about fifty petabytes of data to find the next link to the Shadow Broker."
Shepard: "What the fuck? Seriously? How about you do that AFTER we stop the Reapers from destroying all sentient life in the galaxy? You sifted through empty Prothean ruins for like, sixty years. You saw the vision from the beacons. You talked to Vigil. This is the major leagues, here, Liara. The Shadow Broker is a sidequest."
Liara: "I can't. I have to find the Shadow Broker. Can you hack into some terminals for me?"
Shepard: "You know what? Fuck you and your stupid side missions. I have a big-tittied brunette and a perky redhead who likes to talk about Freud back on my ship."
Liara: "I need to collate this data."
Shepard: "Well, you were a lousy lay, too! Freaking virgins."
Liara: "Sorry, Shepard, I need to sift through about fifty petabytes of data to find the next link to the Shadow Broker."
Shepard: "What the fuck? Seriously? How about you do that AFTER we stop the Reapers from destroying all sentient life in the galaxy? You sifted through empty Prothean ruins for like, sixty years. You saw the vision from the beacons. You talked to Vigil. This is the major leagues, here, Liara. The Shadow Broker is a sidequest."
Liara: "I can't. I have to find the Shadow Broker. Can you hack into some terminals for me?"
Shepard: "You know what? Fuck you and your stupid side missions. I have a big-tittied brunette and a perky redhead who likes to talk about Freud back on my ship."
Liara: "I need to collate this data."
Shepard: "Well, you were a lousy lay, too! Freaking virgins."
Sorry, Too Busy To Save The Galaxy
Shepard: "Wrex! Come help me save the galaxy!"
Wrex: "No can do, Shepard. I need to play at Krogan politcs."
Shepard: "What? Seriously, Reapers, Wrex."
Wrex: "No, I need to work on the logistics of sharing females."
Shepard: "Wrex, my man, I am all ABOUT sharing females, but... REAPERS."
Wrex: "Hunt well, Shepard."
Shepard: "Yeah, fuck you too."
Wrex: "No can do, Shepard. I need to play at Krogan politcs."
Shepard: "What? Seriously, Reapers, Wrex."
Wrex: "No, I need to work on the logistics of sharing females."
Shepard: "Wrex, my man, I am all ABOUT sharing females, but... REAPERS."
Wrex: "Hunt well, Shepard."
Shepard: "Yeah, fuck you too."
Skeletons in the Closet
Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard: "Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief. Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I fucked Liara instead of you, you frigid bitch!"
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard: "Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief. Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I fucked Liara instead of you, you frigid bitch!"
Tali Romance FAIL
Shepard: "Talk dirty to me."
Tali: "I'd share my suit environment with you any time, Shepard."
Shepard: "I didn't mean literally."
Tali: "I didn't mean it literally, jerk!"
Shepard: "Oh. Whoops. Well um, you still want to hook up?"
Tali: "Maybe later, I'm running some engine diagnostics."
Shepard: "I guess that's Quarian for 'I'm washing my hair.'"
Tali: "I'd share my suit environment with you any time, Shepard."
Shepard: "I didn't mean literally."
Tali: "I didn't mean it literally, jerk!"
Shepard: "Oh. Whoops. Well um, you still want to hook up?"
Tali: "Maybe later, I'm running some engine diagnostics."
Shepard: "I guess that's Quarian for 'I'm washing my hair.'"
Alternate Outfit
Shepard: "All right, I've earned Jack's trust... I wonder what happens now... Oh, she just put some clothes on. There's something very wrong with this galaxy."
Paramour
Shepard: "I'm never drinking with the doc again... 'A toast to Joker!' 'A toast to the Normandy!' 'A toast to random codex entry 3351!' Everything after that is a blur..."
Grunt: "By the fallout of Tuchanka, Battlemaster, you are stronger than you look. They should have named you 'Grunt.' I made you space hamster and fish for breakfast."
Shepard: "No!!! Boo!!! Why didn't you go for the eyes?! And... my fish! Wait, what? Grunt? Where's your armor? ... Oh, hey, 50 gamer points."
Grunt: "By the fallout of Tuchanka, Battlemaster, you are stronger than you look. They should have named you 'Grunt.' I made you space hamster and fish for breakfast."
Shepard: "No!!! Boo!!! Why didn't you go for the eyes?! And... my fish! Wait, what? Grunt? Where's your armor? ... Oh, hey, 50 gamer points."
Transport Capability
Illusive Man: "Here's four dossiers and a ship. Start building your team."
Shepard: "You gave me four dossiers, but the shuttle you supplied me can only carry three people. I already have Miranda and Jacob. What's the point?"
Illusive Man: "We'll need their special skills."
Shepard: "Why do I need a psychopathic super-biotic, when these two already have biotics?"
Illusive Man: "Here's three more dossiers."
Shepard: "Oh, look, another touchy uber-biotic. Is this one going to detonate a nuke when we're still in the kill zone, too? And a sniper! Hey, look, I'm carrying a sniper rifle. So is Archangel. What are you thinking?"
Illusive Man: "Here's your DLC character. Oh, and a walking toaster, too."
Shepard: "Hello? My shuttle is still too small."
Illusive Man: "Sometimes you go to fight the greatest threat the galaxy's ever seen with the shuttle you have, not the shuttle you want."
Shepard: "Look, just let me go to the used ship shop on the Citadel. I'll get a twelve passenger Volkshuttle and then we can ALL go."
Illusive Man: *drags on his cigarette* "Shepard, I couldn't give you a shuttle big enough to carry your whole team. It might have tipped the Collectors off."
Shepard: "You gave me four dossiers, but the shuttle you supplied me can only carry three people. I already have Miranda and Jacob. What's the point?"
Illusive Man: "We'll need their special skills."
Shepard: "Why do I need a psychopathic super-biotic, when these two already have biotics?"
Illusive Man: "Here's three more dossiers."
Shepard: "Oh, look, another touchy uber-biotic. Is this one going to detonate a nuke when we're still in the kill zone, too? And a sniper! Hey, look, I'm carrying a sniper rifle. So is Archangel. What are you thinking?"
Illusive Man: "Here's your DLC character. Oh, and a walking toaster, too."
Shepard: "Hello? My shuttle is still too small."
Illusive Man: "Sometimes you go to fight the greatest threat the galaxy's ever seen with the shuttle you have, not the shuttle you want."
Shepard: "Look, just let me go to the used ship shop on the Citadel. I'll get a twelve passenger Volkshuttle and then we can ALL go."
Illusive Man: *drags on his cigarette* "Shepard, I couldn't give you a shuttle big enough to carry your whole team. It might have tipped the Collectors off."
Planet Scanning
Shepard: "EDI, whenever we orbit an unexplored planet, scan for resources, and launch a probe at any deposit with over 500 units. Inform me when we're out of probes."
EDI: "That's an excellent idea, Shepard."
Shepard: "Actually, belay that... I'll do it manually."
Joker: "Yeah, Commander, that's what I'm talking about! **** that AI!"
EDI: "You realize what takes you twenty minutes, I can accomplish in 0.034 sec-............."
Joker: "I love the mute button. I'll just take a nap while you're spending half the game scanning planets, Commander."
EDI: "That's an excellent idea, Shepard."
Shepard: "Actually, belay that... I'll do it manually."
Joker: "Yeah, Commander, that's what I'm talking about! **** that AI!"
EDI: "You realize what takes you twenty minutes, I can accomplish in 0.034 sec-............."
Joker: "I love the mute button. I'll just take a nap while you're spending half the game scanning planets, Commander."
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