WARNING: Graphic

Female Shepard: "What's it like, being an asari? Are you all pretty much easy lays?"
Asari Bartender: "You'll find peace in whatever arms, or whichever body parts, will hold you. Turian..."
Shepard: "Check."
Garrus: "I had reach, but she had flexibility."
Asari Bartender: "Elcor..."
Shepard: "But... they're pretty big individuals. Are they proportionally... you know? How on earth did you handle it?"
Asari Bartender: "Well... it took some stretching...
Elcor: "Bragging innuendo: I had reach, but pleasant reminescing: she had flexibility."
Garrus hangs his head in shame.
Asari Bartender: "But a few Kiegel exercises after he passed on, and I was ready to rock a volus's world, much less the hanar I hooked up with next..."
Shepard: "Ooooh, I've always wondered about how a hanar would be..."
Asari Bartender: "You're still in the human equivalent of 'maiden' phase, right?"
Shepard: "Ha! Sorry, 'maiden' means something else in human culture, which doesn't quite fit me, but I'm definitely not a matron yet."
Asari Bartender: "Then you really owe it to yourself to try it. It's great when you bring a friend."
Blasto: "This one had reach and flexibility, and a tentacle in every port of the others."
Garrus begins quietly crying.
Asari Bartender: "Even had a pureblood daughter. I was the father. It didn't work out."
Shepard: "Wait a second. Was the mother's name Benezia T'Soni?"
Asari Bartender: "Yeah, why?"
Shepard: "Oh, uh, what've you head about her?"
Asari Bartender: "I heard she got fucked up by some Spectres."
Shepard: "Yeah, um, that was me. She was being mind-controlled by Saren, you know? But uh... she was lucid in the end. Helped save the galaxy, actually, by fighting off the control."
Asari Bartender: "Eh, fuck her. You did me a favor, she still had a nice little life insurance policy. Paid for the bar."
Shepard: "Fuckin' sweet, my father-in-law owns a bar!"
Garrus is sobbing openly at this point.

Next visit

Asari Bartender: "Welcome back, babe. Drinks are on me. Can I get you anything? Sorry, no sex. I just cleaned the bar, and you're fucking my daughter."
Shepard: "Well, not right this second..."
Asari Bartender: "Good point."
*After a mystery drink body shot: steamy drunk femshep on asari love scene*
Shepard: "Heehee... 'drinks are on me,' she says."
Asari Bartender: "Pleasure as always. Time to clean the bar again."