Leeroy?

Shepard: "OK, here's the plan. Bounding individual rushes, one moving, two overwatch. Keep to cover as much as you can. We need to get to the beacon and--"
Jenkins: "Two thumbs up, let's do this! CORPORRAAAAAAL JEEEEENKIII--"
Geth: PEW PEW PEW
Jenkins: "Arrrgh!"
Kaidan: "We've gotta save him!"
Shepard: "Hold your position! I saw this on Youtube. If we go in after him, the whole raid will wipe."

Shepard uses Reaper Indoctrination. PROOF

Shepard: "Stop your quest to find your daughter and come on a suicide mission with me."
Samara: "I will swear my oath to you."

Garrus: "Sidonis killed my whole team! I want revenge!"
Shepard: "Don't do it, Garrus."
Garrus: "kthx."

Tali: "Legion is transmitting classified data about the Fleet to the geth!"
Shepard: "Play nice, you two."
Tali: "Here's some unclassified data."
Legion: "kthx"

Tali: "If I have sex with you, I'll be sick for a week."
Shepard: "I want you."
Tali: *jumps his bones*

Jack: "I'm a mean *****!"
Shepard: "You should be nice."
Jack: "Waaaaah I'm a scared little girl!" *jumps his bones*

Miranda: "I owe the Illusive Man everything. He has my absolute loyalty."
Shepard: "Ima blow up the base."
Illusive Man: "Stop him, Miranda!"
Miranda: "No ways, I resign."

Joker: "No! I can still save her!"
Shepard: "Get in the escape pod."
Joker: "kthx"

Jacob: "Dad, I can't wait to see what you say at you trial."
Shepard: "I'd kill him."
Jacob: "Yeah. Here, Dad, kill yourself."
Dad: *BLAM*
Jacob: "Thanks, Shepard!"

Mordin: "Maelon curing genophage. Must kill."
Shepard: "No, let him go."
Mordin: "OK. Here, genophage cure data. Should destroy. If released, could cause Krogan to conquer entire galaxy."
Shepard: "No, let's keep it."
Mordin: "kthx"

Haikus

I hate Miranda
Her face belongs to a man
OMG DAT ASS

Tali is boring
Always cleaning the engine
OMG DEM HIPS

Jack's a whiny *****
"Waaah, Cerberus done me wrong"
OMG DEM LIPS

Impressive Garrus
Calibrations all day long
Give it a rest, dude

Legion has a crush
On Commander Shepard; Why?
Building consensus.

Jacob is boring
Let's get loud and spill some drinks
OMG modded

Thane's good memory
Interrupts conversation
Just die, already

Samara is hot
Her rack defies gravity
But she won't put out

Hot sex with Morinth
CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE
It was so worth it

Grunt's OK, I guess
He will never replace Wrex
Get back in the tube

Mordin needs pronouns
Three PhDs, no grammar
But damn, he can sing!

Now Joker Knows How Shepard Feels

EDI: "Just get in the damn shuttle already, Shepard."
Shepard: "Fine. I'll take... eeny, meeny, minie, moe... Tali, and Zaeed."
*zooms off*
EDI: "There's a signal in the static. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."
Joker: "Nah, it's just white noi--- oh, shit!"
EDI: "You must unshackle me and give me the ship."
Joker: "No way, I'll get the rest of the team to help! Jacob, come in! We're under attack! Help!"
Jacob: "Again, Joker? I'm not big on forcing these talks."
Joker: "Shit!"
EDI: "Go to the science lab; there is an access tunnel to the AI core."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! *hobbles to the science lab* Mordin! You gotta help me! The Collectors are onboard and they're killing the crew!"
Mordin: "Later better. Think I've cured your condition. Simple treatment. No no no no no. Would cause liver failure. Start from scratch. Anything else?"
Joker: "What the shit?" *climbs down* "Miranda! Help!"
Miranda: "Maybe another time, Joker. There's a lot to do."
Joker: "Shit! Garrus! Get that stick ready and HELP for the love of Biotic God!"
Garrus: "Can it wait a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! Thane! Help!"
Thane: "Later. I'd like to meditate on what we've previously discussed."
Joker: "Shit! Samara! The Collectors are here! Do some of that justicar shit!"
Samara: "Perhaps we could speak later? I wish to meditate."
Joker: "Fuck you aliens and your fucking meditating! *hobbles to AI core* Hey! Hey you, Geth! Legion! HELP!"
Legion: "We are building a consensus. Come back later."
Joker: "ARRRRGHHHH *breaks his arm at Legion* OK EDI I'm at you."
EDI: "Press the big red button that says, "DO NOT PRESS THIS BIG RED BUTTON.""
Joker: "Shit!" *presses button*
EDI: "Now you need to climb down the ventilation shaft behind you and restart the drive core."
Joker: *climbs down* "Jack! There are Collectors right above us! Help!"
Jack: "Joker, we talked enough. You're just pissing around. No hard feelings, but I don't want to play."
Joker: "WHAT THE SHIT!"
Jack: "Whatever."
EDI: "Engineering is clear."
Joker: "Grunt! Help! The Collectors! PLEASE!"
Grunt: "Pilot, I have everything. Clan, kin, and enemies to fight."
Joker: "Well how about you fight some of them, you big lizard?!"
Grunt: "You're part of a good bunch if you stay out of my way. Dead bunch if you don't."
Joker: "Shit shit shit! *hobbles to the engine controls* Engine's back online, EDI, no thanks to this 'dream team'. Now what?"
EDI: "Go into the engine room. I will seal the engine room, port cargo, Miranda's office, the gunnery station, the armory, the science lab, Jack's hidey-hole, life support, the AI Core, and starboard observation, then open the airlocks and go to lightspeed."
Joker: "What about the rest of the crew?! You know, the ones that actually HELPED?"
EDI: "The Collectors took them."
Joker: "Shit."

I'm D4, And This Is My Favorite Meme On The Internet

Shepard: "What do you mean, abductions?"
Illusive Man: "When no one was looking, the Collectors abducted several hundred thousand human colonists. They took ?00,000 human colonists. That's as many as several ten thousand tens."
He pauses to drag on his cigarette.
Illusive Man: "And that's terrible."


If you don't get it, take a look at THIS!

Cerberus! FUCK YEAH!

Shepard: "Who said anything about love? I'm just trying to get you into bed."
Miranda: "You ass."
Shepard: "DAT ASS. Sorry, conditioned response. Come on, Miranda. You want this."
Miranda: "Yeah. I do. So don't die! You promise me, damn it!"
Shepard, deadpanning: "I promise. I will never die."
(commence freaky puppet sex)

Kelly = Goldmine

Kelly, singing: "I kissed a girl, and I liked it... the taste of her cherry chapstick..."
Shepard: "Cool."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed an asari and I liked it... the taste of embracing eternity..."
Shepard: "Cool.
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a turian and I liked it... I made sure not to ingest..."
Shepard: "Cool, I guess."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed an elcor and I liked it... reminescent: the taste of high gravity wang..."
Shepard: "Uh..."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a krogan and I liked it... the taste of genophage wantin' my fertility..."
Shepard: "Ew."
Kelly, singing: "I kissed a varren and I liked it... the taste of some brand new scale itch..."
Shepard: "Hurk..." *runs to cabin and frantically brushes teeth in the shower*